SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s possible that you have a long lasting and consistent revulsion to my wife’s cheating than I do, then. I’ve deeply suffered with this to the depths of my soul for 9 months. I’m starting to feel better and have no desire to intentionally wallow in it. I find nothing in my heart that tells me to punish the hell out of her. I feel some caution, and I feel love, and I’m hopeful about the personal work she is doing. That is my internal reality today

Then you have made your decision then! Best of luck to you.

My feeling aligns with WWTL and some others.

I respect that.

I just want to go on record that I know I am a hard ass, sometimes to my detriment. What I did is what I did. I post more to give perspective that not all of us can forgive infidelity. But at the same time I recognize that others can.

It’s a personal decision.

Then you have made your decision then! Best of luck to you.

Clearly I’ve made a decision to try R. Not sure what I’m my last statement struck you as more definitive than anything else I’ve said.

I honestly appreciate getting thoughts from different perspectives, like Abraham Lincoln’s cabinet of rivals. Not looking for a bubble chamber. But a fundamental difference between us is a notion that even trying is a non-starter. If that is where you are coming from, it’s just not going to land with me. That ship has sailed, even if we end up in D, I’ve been trying for 9 months now, and I don’t regret it.

I just want to go on record that I know I am a hard ass, sometimes to my detriment. What I did is what I did. I post more to give perspective that not all of us can forgive infidelity. But at the same time I recognize that others can.

It’s a personal decision.

Your reputation does precede you

Your story in particular, and in general other R’s that have fallen apart after years, they remind me to be cautious in all this. That is a possible and terrible outcome. I suspect based off your screen name that you would agree.

I apologize if I was unclear in my post. I’m not necessarily opposed to celebrating one’s wedding anniversary in this situation. I just think it shouldn’t be done within 12 months of D day.

I’m not necessarily opposed to celebrating one’s wedding anniversary in this situation. I just think it shouldn’t be done within 12 months of D day.

A month ago I would have agreed, today I feel different. There is no objective rules to go by, so seems like the best we can do is feel this out. I’ve got an out if I hate it. Seems like a good course of action to me right now.

I think WWTL and WBFA make great points often.

If you don't feel comfortable disagreeing with them, I think that is an insight in itself.

If you feel indignant and want to fight back and convince them they are wrong, I think that's another insight that you are still convincing yourself.

If you say, I understand that perspective but I just don't think it applies to me, it may not be an insight in itself but let's you know you are comfortable in your decisions.

So to that degree, even coming in and saying "Apples are trash" could give the poster insight on their feeling about apples...

I feel this thread has veered into the territory that I think devalues this site. The poster asked a question pertaining to his "R" and how others in or attempting "R" have handled the situation and perhaps to hear their unique perspective. Some here have decided to take it further and tell the poster what he needs to do and actually define his marriage, his wife, her remorse or lack Thereof, how long is necessary to not celebrate after D day, need for punishment, etc. the poster did not ask for someone to decide his feelings about his own marriage. It’s just sad when people have to shit on other’s situations simply because they are in pain. In my opinion, it’s similar to a cheater looking for a relief to their emotional turmoil and ultimately ends up shitting on the innocent.

I hope the original poster can listen to others perspective given their situation and help him make his own choice. He decides how long he has been married and if or how he wants to celebrate an anniversary. He decides how remorseful his wife is. He decides how he wants to handle the anniversary. Personally, I think had his wife not even asked about acknowledging the day would have been equally hurtful. I know it would have been for me the first year even though I wasn’t ready for a huge celebration. The acknowledgement was still important to me.

So to that degree, even coming in and saying "Apples are trash" could give the poster insight on their feeling about apples...

I agree. I prefer freedom of speech to censorship, either self or outward imposed.

I will say that I prefer to get feedback that is more in alignment with emergents description. I’m not one to be looking for "marching orders". I greatly value hearing others stories and the lessons they have synthesized from their experiences. But even those are not going to be perfectly applicable all the time. There are similarities in all our stories, and we are all unique. So take what you can use, leave the rest.

InkHulk:

Clearly I’ve made a decision to try R. Not sure what I’m my last statement struck you as more definitive than anything else I’ve said.

I honestly appreciate getting thoughts from different perspectives, like Abraham Lincoln’s cabinet of rivals. Not looking for a bubble chamber. But a fundamental difference between us is a notion that even trying is a non-starter. If that is where you are coming from, it’s just not going to land with me. That ship has sailed, even if we end up in D, I’ve been trying for 9 months now, and I don’t regret it.

***Just to make it clear***, I am NOT categorically against R, even though I acknowledge that I (probably) don't have it in me to do it.

You have provided a path forward to R to your WW. That is Grace and that is all Jesus can ask of any of us, right. Hopefully your WW is grateful for that every day and does the work. But just the same, your WW has NOT yet earned the right to get to celebrate your anniversary with you again. She also does not have the right to say that she was your wife for the full 18 years. Am I supposed to not tell you that?

Just because I never tried R doesn't mean that what I am saying is any less valid. That my takes on things are getting up the cackles of some is probably a GOOD thing. I will be more careful posting going forward though, as I do want to stay on the right side of the rules here.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:07 AM, Thursday, March 30th]

But just the same, your WW has NOT yet earned the right to get to celebrate your anniversary with you again. Am I supposed to not tell you that?

You have to see that is entirely your own opinion, right? But you are stating it like it is the 11th commandment. Put the words "I think" in front of that, add some discussion on why you think it, and everyone is better off.

Just because I never tried R doesn't mean that what I am saying is any less valid though. That my takes on things are getting up the cackles of some is probably a GOOD thing. I will be more careful posting going forward though, as I do want to stay on the right side of the rules here.

Didn’t say your perspective is invalid, and I’ve clearly laid out my desire for diversity of thought.

Ink Hulk:

Just to share my experience: our anniversary occurred 10 months after dday. Immediately after dday I insisted we separate and within weeks filed for D. I moved on with very little interaction with her for four months until she tracked me down and made a case to give her a try after her ONS. I had done a lot of work on myself in the interim, and for her part she had done a lot of growing up and self examination. By the time of our anniversary she had demonstrated to me that she was all in and committed to making us work. She had no expectations for our anniversary, but I decided to surprise her with a small celebration. I felt our M was something to celebrate. Something I would not have said 10 months earlier. She had changed her attitude to the degree that demonstrated the humility and repentance you mentioned. That first anniversary post dday was our 6th. This year we will celebrate our 50th and still going strong. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:44 PM, Wednesday, March 29th]

Thing is, I see what I said there as true as 2+2=4. But if it will help I will TRY to put in an "I think" when appropriate though.

I have already said my thoughts why (I think) your WW has not earned the right to celebrate your anniversary--even if not directly in response to YOUR question "How long have I been married", it is in pretty much EVERY ONE of my posts in your threads!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:32 AM, Thursday, March 30th]

WbFA laid down the law that ink hulks wife has not "earned" the right to celebrate an anniversary. I say, that’s no one’s decision to make but Ink Hulk’s. That being said, I think we can all agree that HE has earned the right to celebrate or not in anyway he chooses. Furthermore, anyone not named Ink Hulk should not be declaring that his wife has not been his wife for the entirety of his marriage. That is his decision to make. Offering our perspective that exists from our own experience may be helpful, but it’s not some law. I’ve also heard the word "punishment" and it’s necessity to avoid rug sweeping. I disagree that it’s necessary to reconcile. I initially tried that approach and it was the most miserable 6 months imaginable. Punishing my FWS was punishment for me too. Make no mistake, he suffered consequences that will exist until the day he dies. He saw the pain in me everyday for years. He saw the difference in the way I looked at him. He knows that his now adult daughters will forever trust men in a different way. They know that the one man that was supposed to love and protect them more than any other man ever failed their mother and therefore them too. He lives with that regret and shame to this day. That is/was his punishment. It’s nothing I had to execute myself and nothing I could have handed out would have been more painful.

That first anniversary post dday was our 6th. This year we will celebrate our 50th and still going strong.

That made me tear up reading it. Both the first and second time I read it.

Make no mistake, he suffered consequences that will exist until the day he dies.

Perfectly said.

Thing is, I see what I said there as true as 2+2=4. But if it will help I will TRY to put in an "I think" when appropriate though.

If you can’t differentiate between your own subjective opinion and mathematical fact, you are going to lose credibility to me.

I have already said my thoughts why (I think) your WW has not earned the right to celebrate your anniversary--even if not directly in response to YOUR question "How long have I been married", it is in pretty much EVERY ONE of my posts in your threads!

Actually, I haven’t really known much about your background or perspective until this thread. You’ve told me a lot of things to do or not do (🚫🧹), but never shared why you thought so. Thanks for opening up some here.

And I’m sorry you were gaslighted and cheated on. That really fucking sucks.

InkHulk, I have rethought this. I am sorry if my posts have not always been helpful to you in your journey. On a level I am simply angry FOR you as much as anything. I get quite angry when I see good men--good people actually--taken advantage of.

I just really strongly believe that your wife does not deserve to get to celebrate your anniversary until she shows she honors YOU, as the man she loves. This, instead of just showing a desire for the security of your M. And from what you've written, your WW simply has not shown you the remorse you deserve that yet.

All the best to you....

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:20 PM, Thursday, March 30th]

I wonder how waywards feel about this question. Do they feel as if they were married the entire marriage, even though they were having an affair(s)? I'd be interested in hearing some waywards respond..not from their BS telling us how they feel..but the waywards here answering directly.

I do feel like we've been married the entire time, and so does my H, but it was a bit of a wandering journey to get to that conviction. Of course, our experience was atypical in several ways that make me wonder how useful it really is as a test case. It wouldn't have required opinionated posters like WBFA to tell us to break up 35 years ago; anyone on SI, had it existed then, would have told us to end it and move on. The fact that we're still here and happily reconciled is really sweepstakes odds.

I have something to add on the subject of anniversaries from a wayward perspective. Our D-Day 2 was the fall of 2018; for anyone who is unaware of my history, it wasn't a new affair, it was the release of more extensive details about an affair I had before we were married. It hit my BH very hard. I got it in my fool head that we should go out for New Year's Eve to "put this terrible year behind us." I realized about halfway through dinner that it was taking every ounce of his energy not to jump out of his skin. Being in public in a date scenario was too much for him.

We did not go out on a date night for the next two years - not for birthdays, not for our anniversary, not for dinner and a movie. The pandemic had something to do with that; we were just at the 15 month mark when quarantine hit. But honestly, I don't believe he would have been ready anyway. We went out to lunch once, outside, in the summer of 2020, and I remember that felt like a very big deal. Our first weekend away, where he felt reasonably sure he could hold it together for more than one night, wasn't until the spring of 2021.

So my thought that I want to share for lurking waywards is to not just assume that romancing your BS will be welcome. WWTL describes his WW making that error on a massive scale, but it might be just as true for dinner down the street. I'm not saying not to try -- that could backfire too, because you presumably made a lot of effort on behalf of your AP. Maybe lavishing attention is exactly what your BS needs. I'm just saying that you'll need to go in with no expectations. Ask, offer, and be prepared for failure. It may require long term patience and resilence.

InkHulk, I have rethought this. I am sorry if my posts have not always been helpful to you in your journey. On a level I am simply angry FOR you as much as anything. I get quite angry when I see good men--good people actually--taken advantage of.

I appreciate your concern, I see a passion in you for betrayed men in particular, and people in general. If your goal in posting is to influence and help, speaking for myself, I’m much more open to hearing a message that is tempered than a direct command. You have a valid perspective, but it doesn’t trump mine or anyone else’s.

I just really strongly believe that your wife does not deserve to get to celebrate your anniversary until she shows she honors YOU, as the man she loves. This, instead of just showing a desire for the security of your M. And from what you've written, your WW simply has not shown you the remorse you deserve that yet.

I haven’t talked much about my wife recently, at least since my "Inner Critic" thread. She is doing a lot of things right. We have had more talks recently about the details of the affair that I want to know. I took note of ApectNorth’s firestorm thread and have decided to ask some targeted questions about things I really want to know but spare the nitty gritty, for all the reasons discussed there. She openly answered what I wanted to know and agreed that if the day comes that I want to know it all that I get it, no questions asked. We had a good MC session yesterday where she went into more detail on the character of their relationship. There is still more to do, but she makes me feel that she loves me and wants a good life with me and she is acting in ways that are in line with that. We are going to Retrovaille this weekend, and I’m looking forward to that.