SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What do you feel about how long you've been married?

That’s a good question. I can say that I have strong memories of major anniversaries from parents and grandparents, so it must have made an impression. I think for myself that there is a sense of pride in having a long marriage, that probably comes from having a belief that marriage can be hard and takes work and building that is an accomplishment. So the time in the A seems to violate all that: it’s nothing to be proud of and it was the exact opposite of doing the work. For me, I’ve never worked harder than during that time to build the marriage. I must have sensed something was way off. I know this is common. But I don’t think that means we had a functional marriage during that time.
Again, I know this doesn’t really matter that much. But for some reason the question has had some staying power in my mind. That is my sign that I need to do something with it, so here I am bothering you all.

Tanner, would you please share why you feel this way?

Renewing vows feels like a slap in the face to me. I probably would’ve been on board before infidelity but now, my original vows still hold.

There are a few memories I have of major anniversary milestones. My brother's paternal grandparents hit the big 50. My in-laws were married over 60. My mom was married over 5 times. I wanted so much to hit the 50 year milestone. That wanting was so much a part of my downfall. That was a part of why I was willing to let the guard on my boundaries.

As for a functional marriage, how much of that was you covering for her not stepping up and doing her fair share?

In my XWH'S family, those who divorced said that if they'd worked as hard at their first marriage, they'd still be married to them.

You worked hard and did what you could with the information you had.

I second Hellfire’s curiosity about the perspective of those who were in the affair. Did you think/feel that the marriage had stopped?

You didn't ask me, but I would not 'renew' our vows, either. I never broke mine, and they still apply to my W, even though she violated hers. Besides, she violated the first set, so how much faith can I put in a 2nd set? My answer is: not much.

The original vows hold IMO.

ETA: I'm sharing my view here, not arguing. If renewal seems like a good idea to someone, my guess is that person is right - for themself.

*****

We're at 55 years and counting. The number doesn't mean much, IMO. What we've done with our years means a lot, but the number is a result of heredity, finances, and choosing someone congenial over the long term. That is, the number is a matter of good luck, knowing what we wanted, and acting to get what we wanted, IMO. My guess is that luck is the biggest factor.

I am definitely happy about the years - sharing so many good years builds strong bonds that provide a lot of comfort. It's very satisfying to know and be known by someone else, and the knowledge of each other grows with time.

IOW, my reco is to build the relationship(s) you want, and let the duration take care of itself. After all, we human beings can't predict how long we'll live - or when we'll find the people we'll click with long term....

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:39 PM, Sunday, March 26th]

Yes, I too now feel that a non-disclosing WW pushing to renew vows is really another selfish way of disrespecting the BS and a self-exculpatory manoeuvre.We went on a cruise about a decade after my WW's undisclosed year long affair, and at the time I wondered why she would want to add this ceremony to the itinerary. Also about the same time, she suddenly became both more romantic and more overtly sexual with bedtime lingerie and she adorned our bedroom with all sorts of aromatic candles. It didn't help to be told later, but not in her first DD confession that the AP had bought her various exotic teddies and peignoirs and had created a romantic ambience in the motel rooms of their trysts with sundry candles. The guilt she was feeling prompted much of this change, but insufficient apparently for her to confess what she had been honking another man, that piece of devastating news was presented to me many years later. She had enjoyed her cake and had eaten it and now didn't want to pay the bill,Despite being Reconciled, now years later, waves of anger, resentment and jealousy sweep over me every now and then, especially regarding the post affair hypocrisy and deceit. I suppose this is normal?

Despite being Reconciled, now years later, waves of anger, resentment and jealousy sweep over me every now and then, especially regarding the post affair hypocrisy and deceit. I suppose this is normal?

I can only speculate, but I would assume that having one's agency taken from them for such an extended period of time has to be a difficult obstacle to overcome.

But, eventually, we DID get our agency back, and then it really is up to us, including our own consequences, if we choose to reconcile. We may not have like our options at the time, but we had options, and whatever choice we made, it was our own. I'm reconciled, but I'm also not happy about the path it took to get here. I should have divorced, or at least, started divorce proceedings, because that is what my mind was telling me, but I was too scared at the time to pull the trigger. But those are the consequences to my actions, and I have no one to blame, or credit, but myself. The same goes for anyone else who makes a decision with the information at their hands.

I second Hellfire’s curiosity about the perspective of those who were in the affair. Did you think/feel that the marriage had stopped?

I asked my wife this several times over the first few years of recovery. Before I found SI, my only understanding of infidelity was that it could ONLY happen if one person was done being married.

AP and OBS were family friends, we watched each other’s kids, family BBQ, etc. AP asked just before the EA went PA if my wife loved me. She told him yes, very much. His answer was, "good." AP was a serial cheater as he admitted during his 12-step apology call years later. He actually outlined he wouldn’t want to leave his family.

Anyway, they never made plans to run off, as some infidelity sites and book defined it, it was a ‘cake eating’ affair, where the people keep both the fantasy world and the reality separate. Whatever. There is never any amount of explanation that makes an A understandable or better.

She explained her thoughts were all over the board about our M, some to hold to the M, some that if our M was strong enough, she couldn’t have made the choices she made (this was during the A, she has never blamed me or our M after her confession). She never took her wedding ring off, and simply held on to the lie that what I didn’t know couldn’t hurt me.

Ultimately, thinking too much of our M during the A interfered with the fantasy, so she didn’t do much if any self analysis until AP dumped her.

She never wanted to reveal her shame, she assumed during the 18-years she held on to the secret was to "protect" me from the pain of it all.

Now she knows the injury to me started the moment the A started.

What helped me reclaim my entire marriage was focusing on the happy memories and the healthy part of our marriage. The fact that I wanted to reconcile as did my husband reveled to me that there was something there to save. His cheating was not his entire life or our entire relationship. I focused on the entirety our relationship (even pre marriage) and didn’t think about a "number".

Will she stay with me when I’m old and sick if she knows I’m daily evaluating whether or not to stay? Will I be satisfied with that arrangement? Sounds tough.

I don't know if you'll be satisfied.

You'll be stuck with daily evaluations anyway. But instead of "should I leave?" It will be "Am I a fool for staying?" Pick your poison.

I’m totally against renewing vows

I’ve bounced around the idea that marriage licenses should be like drivers licenses, you have to renew them regularly to stay in the game. I wonder what things would be like in such a world.

You'll be stuck with daily evaluations anyway. But instead of "should I leave?" It will be "Am I a fool for staying?" Pick your poison.

All I can say is I hope you are wrong about this.

You didn't ask me, but I would not 'renew' our vows, either. I never broke mine, and they still apply to my W, even though she violated hers. Besides, she violated the first set, so how much faith can I put in a 2nd set? My answer is: not much.

The original vows hold IMO.

Didn’t intentionally slight you, Sisoon.

I don’t see my vows as in force at this time. I could not in good conscience have a sexual, or even strongly emotional, relationship with another woman right now, but that is a personal conviction, not because I vowed it to her.

I suspect strongly that if R goes well between us that I will want to renew vows. I can’t say I’ve thought about that from every angle, but that’s how I feel about it today. But I do need to seriously think about the notion of the security of marriage allowing for complacency to set in. I will not be able to overlook issues the way I did in the past. There is always a need for compromise, but what happened in our past was a flat refusal by her to address hard things. I should make sure that she understands that fixing that is needed for R.

Tough questions. I count every one of the forty years I've put into this marriage. My fWH might have run off the rails like a guy who privately divorced his wife, but I have been stalwart. There was never a day in those forty years that I didn't consider myself to be married.

As to whether I'd ever do it again?... nope, I wouldn't. The only reason I'm still with him is BECAUSE of the history we shared. I'm not going to overwrite it for him. That history was kind of like a foot in the door, wedging it open enough for me to consider R. Without it, we wouldn't still be here. I'm not willing to give him a do-over in that sense. Our history is what it is, good and bad.

People swing both ways on this question though, so honestly, I don't believe there's a right or wrong answer.

As to whether I'd ever do it again?... nope, I wouldn't.

CT, what are you saying you wouldn’t do again? Are you saying you wouldn’t have married your husband 40 years ago if you’d have known how things would go? Or are you just saying you wouldn’t renew vows?

We went on a vacation with some friends last year, a couple months before D-day. That other couple renewed their vows on the trip, and I remember talking with my wife about it. She asked me if I’d ever do that, and at the time I said no, that my vows were just as valid then as they ever were or ever would be. Guess I was wrong, I just had no way of knowing that.

Are you saying you wouldn’t have married your husband 40 years ago if you’d have known how things would go? Or are you just saying you wouldn’t renew vows?

We did talk about renewing vows, and initially, I kind of thought I would, but the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to do it. Like I said, the history is still important to me, and in a way, it would feel like throwing the baby out with the bathwater if that makes sense.

Now, would I have married him forty years ago if I knew he would cheat? Probably not. Bear in mind that I wouldn't have known my kids then. It's different than having a time machine in that respect, right? But if someone had said to me on my wedding day, "he's going to cheat on you" and then magically let me have a minute's worth of "and this is how it's going to feel"... I'd have noped out like Julia Robert's Runaway Bride.

InkHulk:

Thanks for letting me know what to think and what was going on. wink But I’m not rugsweeping now, am I? laugh

Did you consider this question for yourself? Any insights there?

Yes I did consider that question for myself. The last time I was cheated on, the relationship was over. I don't see that changing if Heaven forbid I ever find myself in that situation again.

I suspect strongly that if R goes well between us that I will want to renew vows.

I don’t think I’ll do a formal vow renewal. No gathering or family over for it, etc.

In my faith, it happens once a year in church anyway. They have all the married couples in attendance stand up, hold hands and say the words — marriage is indeed a sacrament.

Once R got some momentum third year, we definitely get more emotional that particular Sunday. Past doesn’t change, the words don’t change. We celebrate not giving up more than anything else.

My wife stopped being a regular at church during the A. A red flag that makes a whole lot more sense after the fact.

We had planned a trip for our 25th anniversary. Think South Pacific, first class travel, hotels on stilts. Was going to be amazing. We done done some elaborate vacations, but none on this scale. It was to take place not too far out from her affair. We had a few awful MC sessions. The worst was when my wife said maybe we can use this trip to help us heal in our session and the MC thought that was a great idea. They were both flabbergasted when I told them, and remember this was shortly after, that I had no intention of rewarding her with this, and I would rather go to Beruit with my worst enemy than go on this trip with her. I told them I would think about it, which I did for about 1 minute. I then cancelled everything to try to recoup as much money as I could. When I told my EX she was crushed as she really thought this was going to be a way to reconnect. I spent the actual anniversary date in a hotel on a made up business trip.

Five years later she unbeknownst to me worked with our travel agent to recreate not the same trip, but something on the same magnitude for our 30th. I was triggered to no end. I know she expected this to also be a new beginning and alluded to us doing some kind of celebration to not quite renew our vows, but to start the marriage over from that point. It was then I realized that I didn’t want this and if I couldn’t go on this type of romantic trip with her, there was no hope for us. I wasn’t cruel about it this time, but I told her I wouldn’t go, and that I was done. She once again was shocked. She had such high hopes and she really thought I would be thrilled. I hated doing that to her, but when you are done, you are done.

Yes I did consider that question for myself. The last time I was cheated on, the relationship was over. I don't see that changing if Heaven forbid I ever find myself in that situation again.

Thanks for adding your perspective. Can you imagine a scenario where you would consider R? If not, do you know why?