IH -
There is bound to be some follow up, but it’s time to move into "why" and "now what".
Your brain will definitely put some of the toughest part of the what on a loop for a while — it sounds like a LOT to process. My wife did write stuff down, she is an engineer, so it was in an Excel format. I chose NOT to read it, I didn’t want ruthless efficiency, it was more important she own it all. So, I asked her to tell me what was on it instead.
Good step though. When my wife was finally brave enough to tell me what I was being asked to accept, it allowed me to really figure out if I COULD accept it enough for us to move forward.
As to the why. Well, it can be far more maddening than the what.
Since it is a choice I haven’t made, it will never fully make sense.
However, for me, it was the hostage exchange moment. Exploring the why was about feeling safe and loved and my wife was wanting to earn back trust and love.
Balance is tough in any relationship sans infidelity. It’s a LOT of work to find a way to be vulnerable/all in/moving back toward each other — reminds me of how hard R is.
Back to the why. As I tend to say, I’m not a psychologist, nor do I play one on TV, but when I shake my family tree, three PhD psychologists fall out. One a former trauma specialist at Johns Hopkins, one a professor, and the other with a 40-year practice. I had a lot of experience and wisdom to lean on, here at SI and at home.
In essence, beyond the unmet needs fallacy, which will kill most R attempts, your wife’s work is to own it and not blame you or the M. In any way.
Mitigating factors are important, they simply don’t make your future safe. The next time a WS is feeling low and their esteem is dragging on the ground, how do they cope with those feelings when they inevitably occur again? An A can be a powerful empowerment drug for a self diagnosed lost soul.
My own conclusions are the FOO issues matter. The circumstances matter. Destroying the escapist fantasy rationalizations are critical.
And yet, you’re asking a person who is trapped in a shame spiral to gain enough strength to validate herself, so she doesn’t seek validation outside of the M.
That’s a substantial evolution.
I think that likely has to be a big part of what’s next.
[This message edited by Oldwounds at 1:05 PM, Tuesday, May 9th]