Your last several posts are all questions I am certain I posted here on SI during my first two years.
Same exact questions and observations:
Well, how do you do that? I was immensely shocked.
Seven years in, I know I will always hate what happened. I’m never going to wake up one morning and be happy my wife did what she did. For years.
I can’t say I’m as shocked anymore, I’ve read so many stories of infidelity, the behavior most WS fall into is standard.
How to tell true character? For my two cents, character can absolutely be malleable under duress, not for everyone, but for many of the more vulnerable personalities who need constant validation or ways to boost their low esteem.
My wife is a beautiful, brilliant person who was constantly hit on over the years, she seemed to have incredible boundaries. Then, she was postpartum depressed, far away from family and friends, and the job she just took was going horribly. Family friend AP and coworker arrived to her rescue. Of all the guys that ever hit on her, AP was the least threatening to me. An older, bone skinny little guy, who I never imagined my wife would look at twice, much less an LTA.
I asked what the difference was, why THIS guy? He didn’t make more money, he wasn’t bigger, stronger, smarter than me, I didn’t get it. She said all the other times men hit on her, she felt great about herself and our M. She didn’t blink. It’s when she felt bad about everything in her life that she became vulnerable.
I needed to know the next time she was having a bad time, she didn’t need the same form of validation.
She didn’t confess until years later, but during that time, men were really her enemy overall. All men. Me included. She put herself on an emotional island and didn’t let anyone in. She was in a trust no one mode for years after the A. It was a key though, to learning to value herself.
Overall, my wife is a very good mother, she’s a kind daughter, caring sister, at work she’s in management and has great empathy for hard working employees and actually cares about how they are and how she can help. She’s a very good person who on her worst days did horrific things. She is the total sum of all the good and bad in life, and the good far outnumbers the bad (even the shocking stuff during the A).
At this point, I’m very comfortable knowing my wife’s actions were very out of character.
Now, the bigger question is how can you ever feel safe again in your M?
Actions. Hundreds of consistent actions that SHOW she cares about the pain she caused, and actions showing stronger boundaries and rebuilding her own value (that shame spiral can be a burden to the strongest WS) to not want or need to feel better via the opinions of others.
[This message edited by Oldwounds at 9:20 PM, Friday, March 31st]