Major WTF moment for me (as if I needed to give you all more reason to dislike her).
I don’t know if you mean "you" in the general sense (as in all of y’all) or in the specific sense (as in me personally), but just in case, I want to be clear that I don’t dislike your wife. Truly, I really don’t. Obviously, I don’t like what she’s done, but I am a happily reconciled BS. The person who I love more than absolutely anyone else in this world is a former WS. I understand, probably more than most, that a person is so much more than the worst thing they’ve ever done. I also understand that for a lot of people, cheating tends to be a symptom of deep-seated insecurities and some incredibly dysfunctional (and harmful!) coping mechanisms. In a lot of cases, I actually have incredible empathy for WSs who have essentially blown up their lives and acted as their own worst enemies and are now in a position where they are trying to solve the incredible mess they have made, and often unequipped with the tools necessary to do so.
I actually have a good friend who I find myself thinking of sometimes when you describe your wife. She is incredibly sweet, fun, thoughtful, selfless, and kind – definitely a people pleaser. At the same time, she is also extremely sensitive to even the slightest whiff of criticism and is prone to reacting rather immaturely to conflict. She often sees herself as a victim and reacts defensively to even perceived slights (we’re talking stuff that would literally would not register with me). Its to the point where I find myself walking on eggshells around her, choosing my words incredibly carefully (or avoiding certain topics entirely), because I know they will send her into a tailspin. In order to avoid conflict, she contorts herself into knots trying to be perfect. As her friend it can be tiresome. I imagine being married to someone like that would be exhausting. InkHulk – I imagine YOU are exhausted.
I also imagine that over the years, as you’ve learned to deal with this trait of hers, you’ve become habituated to it. Perhaps to the point where you don’t recognize how it might look from the outside.
But everytime I would bring it up it would get turned back to me with anger. Shit just went unresolved.
You’ve read about DARVO right? Has she? Does she acknowledge that this is what that is? If so, is that a recent development? You indicated that your mother was emotionally manipulative. How do you see this? Honest question.
but what I desperately need at this point is free flow of communication
I agree. Infidelity aside, part of me is so sad that this has been absent from your marriage to date. This seems like such a major impediment to true intimacy. When I started following your posts you had identified that this was the biggest hurdle in your relationship – you certainly weren’t wrong. I think I initially misjudged the magnitude of the hurdle that you were facing here.
I was actually pretty damn impressed by my wife’s response.
Part of me was too. I obviously don’t know her and I’m not sure where she started with all of this, but I’m guessing she did not have a lot of that insight a few months ago. I believe you when you say she is making progress. Typically though, the disclosure comes BEFORE trying to dig into the work on the whys – often because the WS is not being particularly truthful with themselves prior to disclosure. I do think the disclosure process forces the WS to see what they’ve done from an outside perspective and that can be incredibly humbling for someone who tied themselves in knots justifying their behaviour. Kind of like how you have to understand a subject matter more deeply in order to teach someone else. Does that make sense?
I did notice that her response dodged your questions about the use of the words "deceptive" and the words "I feel betrayed/deceived". Do you suppose that was intentional? I’m also not sure if her empathy is where she thinks it is. Toxic shame will certainly do that.
--
She says she has answered all my questions in my absence this week, and that she believes I will be very upset by the answers.
Great! Action over words. Honestly, if you weren’t upset by the answers, it probably wouldn’t bode well for the relationship (either because you’ve finally checked out or because she wasn’t being fulsome in her responses). There is no way past this other than THROUGH it. I want you to get through it so that at some point you can get past it. That is the goal, right? No new information means no fresh hurts. That’s the point that you can actually begin to heal.
Is there some kind of bias against betrayed men out there in the counseling world, or is this just my own experience?
I remember feeling incredibly frustrated in the early days of marital counselling by how my husband was being treated with kid gloves. WHEN I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS HURTING. I also agree with you that it less socially acceptable for a man to express anger with a woman than vice versa.
May I ask what she considers you "lashing out"? You don’t strike me as a particularly angry person. I believe you when you say you were gentle with her disclosures.
My strategy to prevent my husband from shutting down when discussing tough subjects was to say as little as possible and to react as minimally as possible when my husband was in disclosure-mode. No matter how much it hurt, I’d thank him for telling me. Save the reactions for later. If a follow-up was needed, I’d ask in the most non-confrontational way as possible. Granted, we spent the first 3-4 months in almost constant cross-examination mode on this, so I had a lot of time to hone this strategy.
If she would have cried and apologized, I would have held her and it would have been beautiful, instead she left mad. Same thing happened the next night, I asked "too many" questions, even though they logically went together, and immediately she said she "felt deceived". It’s not the answers to the questions that set me off, it’s that victim attitude.
Have you told her this? Maybe put it in writing, if she is more receptive (and less reactive) to that. Tell her about how you want there to be no secrets between the two of you because you want to be able to get to a place of closeness with her. Does she see the upside of disclosure?
--
I think it’s helpful to think about the times I hurt myself. How absolutely crazy it made me.
What was this part about?