SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I'm new here and I don't know which forum to post in so I thought I'd start here in General but please direct me to somewhere more suitable if appropriate. Here are the bare bones of my situation (I will add more detail once I know where best to do so).

- My wife and I have been together for 31 years, married for 21 of them.
- Last year she turned 50, and at her birthday party she had sexual relations with two other people.
- She confessed pretty much straight away and we entered into a fairly intense period of hysterical bonding.
- I am prone to overthinking and wanted to understand what it all meant.
- She is prone to compartmentalising, saw it as a stupid mistake and wanted to move on.
- For me this experience has made me count the blessings of our relationship, which are many, and this has made me fall in love with her all over again.
- For her she wants everything to go back to normal, and we have always lived quite independent lives.
- It's not the infidelity I'm finding difficult, it's the topsy turvy nature of our responses to it.
- I feel like I have to force myself to be distant to keep her from feeling smothered.
- I find myself second guessing whether she is less affectionate now, or whether it was always like this but more equal before (I think I've always been more affectionate than her).

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you navigate it?

She wants to rugsweep, which is normal for a wayward. There is no way you are going to feel safe again if you don't understand why and how she made the decision to betray you. Which she absolutely did. Don't let her hide behind the word "mistake". This is because mistakes have way different levels of occurence. Putting salt into your coffee instead of sugar is a "mistake" but was not a decision. Fighting a landwar in Russia is a "mistake" and is a horrible decision. Your wife's ONS is somewhere in between, but she didn't do it on accident.

Why did she make the decisions she made? How will she avoid those decisions next time? What was the lead up to this event like?

STD test. Complete written timeline (polygraph to confirm no other instances of cheating).

Sorry you find yourself here. It’s the best club you never wanted to join. Read in the healing library. Don’t do the pick me dance or plead or beg her. It never works. Was this sexual encounter with two people pre-planned for her landmark birthday? Or was it a drunken tryst? She certainly did not consider your feelings before engaging in infidelity. Get tested for STD’s. Of course she wants to rugsweep. She does not seem remorseful. Take time to think what you want. Set your boundaries. You may decide that her actions are a deal-breaker for you. You have to process the trauma of being betrayed. Give yourself time to decide what you want to do. Watch her actions and not her words. Do not allow her to stonewall. Good luck.

She wants things to go back to normal because she doesn't want to be accountable for her actions. Few do. I can tell you from reading countless amounts of accounts, not addressing this will slowly eat you alive.

It's clear you want to make things work and it would seem you are fairly convinced that this is just an alcohol fueled isolated incident but nevertheless If I were you I'd be asking a lot of questions.

Firstly, where you at the party? Did this happen under your nose? If so that's a staggering level of disrespect.

Have you addressed why she did this? I'm sorry but having sex with two people in a night after a long marriage isn't forgetting to pick up milk. It's not just a stupid mistake. I like to think I've lived a full life with it's fair share of debortuary and have never stumbled into having sex with two people in one night, not even when I was free to do so.

Was this threesome with friends? Is she going to cut these friends out? Are you comfortable if she does not?

Have you attempted to ask how she thinks she'd react if the situation was reversed?

I'm a highly proactive person, I truly believe doing nothing is rarely the answer.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:28 AM, Tuesday, March 24th]

If we omit relationships that are open, or polyamorous or into swinging and focus on "normal" marriages:
For most "normal" people sex outside a marriage is a deviation from "norm".
As in – it’s probably more common for "normal" people not to do it.
Within the group that does have affairs, having multiple partners is pretty rare.
Having multiple partners the same night… THAT is definitely not common.

I would want to get to the bottom of that.
Did she take part in a threesome or was this two separate encounters same night?
Who were the participants? I’m guessing that at a party she hosts it’s people she knows. I’m also guessing it’s a comparable group to you (i.e. married couples).
Where did this happen? Living room or did they slink away?
Your home? Daily reminders and flags?

Was she excessively drunk? Maybe to the point of not being capable of reasonable consent?

This isn’t a mistake. Let’s be clear on that. Maybe not pulling back from a kiss might be a "mistake", but sex with two people…

I think you need to get to the truth.

With most situations it is helpful to confirm that you have a shared goal and then discuss and agree to how you're going to get to that goal despite having different points of view of how that will work. I believe that applies strongly here.

I would consider a conversation where you ask her to confirm that her goal is to have a strong enduring marriage. If she agrees and that is your goal as well then you can talk about how do we get to that point. And of course you'll have to share that you need to talk through this more to heal from what happened and you may also feel that she needs to understand what caused her to do this because it can't happen again if the marriage is to endure. Those two Notions mean you can't rug sweep this because it will undermine a strong enduring marriage. Rug sweeping may work for a year or 5 years or even a little longer but eventually those issues will come back and potentially really upset the apple cart much more than they would if you dealt with the issue now.

There is a book called how to help your spouse heal after your affair that might help your wife understand the Dynamics of what she did and the impact on you and the relationship. Has she done any reading at all about healing after infidelity? Has she done any work or even considered the fact that for some reason she is an unsafe partner in the marriage and she needs to figure that out so it doesn't happen again?

And forgive me for my curiosity but how did she sleep with two people on her 50th birthday party? Were you somehow not invited or absent that day?

Thank you all for your replies.

The distinction I would draw between a mistake and an accident is that you *make* a mistake whereas an accident *happens* to you. I don't think this happened by accident, which is why I straightaway wanted to understand what it all meant. She thinks she was perimenopausal and in mild midlife crisis and it won't happen again.

There were two separate incidents that night. One was with another woman, and one with a man. The former went as far as two women can go, but the latter went no further than that, as far as I now know.

Both are friends of ours. Both are married to other friends of ours. One of the things that frustrates me most is that she doesn't really face up to how she has wronged the other halves. Mind you, she is not the only person either OW or OM has cheated with. (She knew this about OW, but not about OM at the time.)

My overriding immediate response was of relief that she had told me.

Having said that, she could hardly have avoided telling me about OW. I had been making cocktails for our guests in the kitchen but later came into another room and found her and OW kissing very passionately and publicly. I froze and left the room. I went to the loo to gather myself. I returned and they were gone. With a sense of dread I went up to our bedroom and found them in there, already half undressed.

I should mention that 20 years ago, this had happened before with the same woman. I had put it down to the youthful experimentation she would have had if we had not got together so early in our lives (she had never had any sexual partners before me). I should also mention that this woman had also made passes at me, and I had been sorely tempted, so I sympathised somewhat.

But back to me standing at the door of our bedroom. My wife came and kissed me but told me she was "just feeling into [OW] right now". Still in shock, I left the room. I did not go back. I avoided her for the rest of the night. She went to bed before I did. When the last of the guests had left, I went to bed in the spare room.

I did not sleep. After about half an hour, she came to the spare room. She had clearly not slept either. She was very ashamed. She told me what she had done with OW, and then told me about OM. With him she had kissed and they had put their hands in each other's clothing (I did not ask for details). I was glad she had been truthful about it. She was desperately amorous, and I really needed to feel close to her, so we made love.

For the next few days I was just trying to make sense of everything. I told her how much I valued her honestly and this prompted her to admit that things had actually gone further than she had admitted with OM. He had gone down on her. This is when it started to feel wrong for her, and she had shut it down with him.

It also transpired that things had gone further with a colleague of hers than I had previously known. The weekend before the party she had told me that she had kissed this colleague (let's call him OM2, even though he was actually prior) on a couple of occasions when they were drunk and flirting had gone too far. I had taken this somewhat in my stride because she was basically telling me it was over now (although admittedly this seems like it was more because of the wife's suspicions than her own regret or his). In the aftermath of the party, when I was trying to impress on her how much I wanted her never to keep something from me just because she was ashamed by it, she took the opportunity to tell me that she and OM2 had also been pretty handsy with each other.

I know how all of this sounds. You must think I'm kidding myself. But I believe that this is the extent of it. And if that's true, it doesn't even come close to threatening our marriage. I'm a pragmatist. I don't have any great moral attachment to monogamy. This was not a prolonged affair. It was a mistake. Not an accident, but something to be learned from.

As I mentioned, the overall effect of this has been to make me fall in love with her all over again. To start with, I think she needed this hysterical bonding too. But I was needy with it, which we've never really experienced in our relationship before. We've always been fiercely independent as well as extremely close -- which works when you want each other but don't need each other. But my limerence started to give her the ick. I understood this and toned it down, but in truth I've just been masking it.

To some extent, like her I just want things to go back to the way they were. But for me they cannot. I cannot compartmentalise it like she can. I sometimes wonder if I'm idolising her as a defence mechanism. Whether this will all come crashing down at some point. We've always been able to talk about anything, but we can't talk about this, which is maybe what hurts the most. Also the things that have made our relationship work are more difficult for me now. I've always felt that a person should be able to have their private life -- for example that she should be free to flirt if she doesn't rub it in my face. But I feel that was maybe predicated on being able to talk to her about anything. But what if she comes to resent me not wanting to be so independent now? I have genuinely valued that aspect of our marriage over the decades. But something has changed now, and I don't know how to deal with it. It's been seven months and it doesn't feel like it's getting much easier.

Seeing as how this was in the open:
What has the reaction been amongst your friends?
What about this OM at the party? Married? Was it as obvious to others as the woman she made out with? That woman married? Her husband fine with what happened?

I’m trying to gauge the room per se. Is this a group that is OK with getting drunk and making out or are we talking about something outside the norm for this group?

--
You can’t make this go away.

Look – You and your wife can decide as a couple where the boundaries are within your marriage. You might OK her going to parties and making out with other people. Maybe the crowd that you are in is open to all that. Swinging, open relationship, hotwife… whatever rocks your boat and you are BOTH OK with. Once something is accepted, agreed on and expected in a marriage it’s no longer infidelity.
If your only goal is to make this go away… then that’s your path… a certain surrender if you aren’t happy with it. Just set enforceable limitations (use a condom, take regular STI tests, not too public, shower when you come home and whatever) and then feel grateful to remain married.
Another general rule for those that live that lifestyle is some sort of "no drama" rule. So if OM 1 or 2 is into your wife, then their spouses need to know and also be open to the concept.

If that doesn’t sound good… well… change is needed.
--

Sounds like all instances are alcohol connected…
There is a sub-category of alcoholic women who loose or lower all inhibitions when under the influence. I know of this group because my wife’s best friend went to rehab about 25 years ago and has been in AA since. We were so surprised, because in the 10 years previous we had known her we hadn’t noticed the classic, typical alcoholic behaviors. She shared that she might only drink several times per year, but more-likely-than not end the evening having made out with random men and waking up in the wrong bed. She couldn’t control it once past a certain drink… Really bothered her husband, but ironically enough they divorced because of his affairs…
She told me that she was attending an AA group, female only, that all shared the same pattern. Not the classic drink-all-weekends, nor a bottle of Chablis per evening, but rather WHEN they drank this is how they reacted.
Might that apply to your wife?

The public kissing with OW happened in a smaller space slightly removed from the main party. There were probably 3 or 4 other people in the room. I only remember who one of them was, either because I didn't know the others (there were quite a lot of people at the party who my wife knew through work) or because I immediately went into some sort of dissociative state. I spoke a few days after the party to the one I remembered. He's a friend, but not a particularly close one. I didn't want to get into any meaning, just to establish the facts. I think maybe he moves in fairly liberal circles because he didn't seem super shocked. I think one of the other ones might have been a colleague. We had another party last month and he tried it on with WW (she shut him down).

The OM is married and is a very close friend, as is his wife. She was not at the party. They have a largely sexless marriage and I know that he has had an affair (not ongoing). I don't want to get involved.
The OW is married and is a good friend, as is her husband. He was at the party, but had left early. She has always been wayward, and their marriage has survived infidelity within our friend group (albeit some time ago). As far as I know, he doesn't know about this particular incident.

I'm not okay with any of this, although if WW had invited me into the room with OW, it would have taken all of my willpower to decline. I think in a different life I could have been polyamorous, but in this life I chose WW who wanted monogamy. Ironic.

Alcohol has never been a problem before. Maybe alcohol plus perimenopausal hormones is the tipping point.

IMO, your choices are 1) rugsweep, 2) stuff your feelings, or 3) talk it out.

Rugsweeping and stuffing your feelings are probably the same. They probably won't work. Your feelings will just fester and come out in a way you don't like in some unknown number of weeks, months, or years.

You've got thoughts, feelings, questions, concerns. If your W won't communicate in response - or if she won't listen - do you really want her? Maybe your mutual wants and needs don't match well enough to support M any more.

Your post says there's more to her cheating than just a single drunken pair of ONSes. IMO, she needs to look into herself to find out if she's willing to be monogamous.

You have to figure out if you want monogamy, too. Falling in love with a WS before they've changed from cheater to good partner seems unhealthy to me; it's also rare - unless you meant that you're still in love with her. That's pretty common, and it can be a good start to R, though love is definitely not enough to complete R.

Like Bigger, I can understand all sorts of arrangements between freely consenting adults, but if 2 people have different boundaries about what they'll consent to freely, I'd wonder how long and how happily they can stay together. In theory, one partner could fuck anything that moves any many things that don't while the other partner is happily monogamous, but theory doesn't always work in practice.

The highest priority issue seems to me to be that you and your W are colliding on the issue of talking about what she has done. One of you will have to give in to the other or choose to D. I think your mental health will benefit from not wavering. I believe healing is possible for the BS eve if the WS clams up, but R requires coming clean and building a 'no lies' relationship.

I'm not quite sure on the distinction between rugsweeping and stuffing my feelings. Is that basically about who gets to decide to take that road?

I do have thoughts, feelings, questions and concerns, but at the end of the day she has told me it won't happen again, and provided a plausible explanation for why not. To protect my marriage, I feel I have to trust her on this. If it happens again, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Her way of dealing with this is to compartmentalise it. That's totally different from the way I try to process things, but if she's right that this is a one-off, then it's not a doomed strategy.

I fell in love with WW 31 years ago and I've never fallen out of love with her. The difference here is that I feel like a teenager again. Like those heady days when we were first together. The bit I'm mainly having difficulty with is that she doesn't feel this way, and doesn't want me to feel this way. So I feel like I'm having to create artificial emotional distance from her.

I can deal with a double-ONS and a mild affair. I'm not sure how well I can deal with having to pretend to be indifferent to her. Which is why I'm wondering whether it's something anyone else has experienced. It seems like the exact opposite of what I would expect to happen.

I met a girl the first day of law school and we dated for almost all of the three years of it. I thought for sure we were going to get married. We were talking about it and making plans for the future together. I had some suspicions about this friend of hers, who she told me I didn’t have to worry about… She abruptly broke up with me. So somewhat similar to you, I felt this massive surge in my love for her, maybe more intense than I had felt for her before. Like your WW, she didn’t feel the same way and didn’t want me to. In my case, however, it was because she really didn’t want to be with me anymore. So while I was begging for another chance, she was making plans to move in with the guy I didn’t have to worry about. And the whole time she lied and lied and lied about cheating with him. Even when she moved in like 10 days after the breakup, she denied that anything had happened beforehand (she did confess something like 2 years later).

Not your situation, hopefully. But to me that feeling is pretty much part of the "pick-me" dance. That explosion of love is kind of like you saying, if she just sees how much I care she won’t seek anyone else. She cheated on you with at least 3 people in, what, a week? You caught her in your own bed and she told you to go away so she could finish up…of course you want reassurance!

She’s telling you she wants you to tone down your love for her, is she also telling you to tone down your hurt from her betrayals? The picture you paint of her is like she basically doesn’t want to be forced to confront your feelings, which are naturally going to be ENORMOUS right now.

One other question from me. That friend that witnessed her kissing, the one who made a pass at her a month ago… how did that guy get another invite to your house?

It might be helpful to research hysterical bonding. Sometimes we over-attach, emotionally and sexually, to our partner after an affair as an unconscious way to reclaim them. It’s usually temporary. I have no doubt you still love her, but this increased attraction may this trauma response.

Sir, What do you want? What do you want your marriage to look like? If you are okay with your wife pulling this stuff with your friends every so often, then agree the boundaries. But I suspect it will eat at you. She will compartmentalize and justify and say it was a twice-that-you-know-of thing, and she will continue to do what she does. If you are not okay with it, do you still want to hang out with those friends? Are they really friends if they are co-conspirators with your wife’s infidelity? Will YOU ever feel safe when she is with them?

We do see WS who change into safe partners. But it takes them a TON of work and years. They dig into WHY they cheated, how they violated their vows and their own morals and destroyed the person they love. Then they dig deeper to get to the root cause. And finally they make the slow, incremental changes to become a safe partner. It happens. But it is not the norm, and the folks who do this are the ones who are willing to do the deeply uncomfortable and sometimes painful work of self-reflection and atonement and analysis for a very long time. So far this does not look like your spouse - -and why should she when she faces no consequences?

Please take care of yourself. This is a real blow to your nervous system and can wreak havoc on your health. Are you in IC? That can help you sort through all this mess.

Almost all cheaters compartmentalize. It kind of comes with the territory.

It sounds like you feel one way and she feels another. You're suddenly in hysterical bonding mode and she's just kind of "meh" about it? It also sounds like she just wants to rugsweep the whole thing and forget about it. I don't know about your situation, but that's generally a bad long-term strategy for a successful reconciliation.

You're kind of indicating that her having an affair or ONS and flirting with others is okay with you while you remain faithful and monogamous? I guess I'm a little confused as to exactly what it is you're seeking from us. She's either on board with your newfound hysterical bonding or she's not. There really isn't anything you can do about that. You can't control someone else's actions or how they feel. You can only control yourself.

As far as what to do in an infidelity situation goes, you're not really giving us a standard reaction to it. Most people get pretty upset, like PTSD upset and take years to recover from betrayal trauma. It does sound like you have some not very well defined boundaries.

A week before the party, I would have told you that our marriage was in a great place. We could talk about anything, we had a healthy sex life. Fiercely independent, but close; busy, but making time for one another.

A week and a day later, I was in a state that when I later read about it, I immediately recognised as hysterical bonding. It did not feel like trying to prove anything, or trying to stop her seeking someone else. Indeed I kept asking her if this was indicative of something she needed on an ongoing basis, and she kept telling me no, she only had regrets.

After a couple of weeks we were both exhausted, but I couldn't just let it go. It remember it feeling like a puzzle I had to solve, like if I could just work out what it meant, I could work out how our marriage could just carry on as before. But she started to get a little vexed at my inability to just believe her. And I realised that my neediness was not an attractive prospect to a woman who had always valued our independence within the relationship.

I managed to tone it down and it felt like she was meeting me in the middle for a while. But I never really stopped being needy, I just masked it better. And she would say to me that she felt she would never be enough for me, which hurt because it had been me that wasn't enough for her, wasn't it?

It's seven months later now, but it just flared up again for me last week without warning. And it got me to second-guessing whether I had always been this much more affectionate than her but never really felt the pinch of it before, or whether she was actually being less affectionate with me than she had used to be before the party.

Letmebefrank: I don't even know for sure if that colleague of hers witnessed the kissing. I had thought I might have seen him in that room, but I only really thought about it again after he tried to kiss WW at the *next* party, and I wondered whether that was what had given him the impression he might be able to. Later that week he told her that he was mortified at his drunken behaviour. I don't think much of him, but she turned him down, and I'm not going to turn it into a bigger deal than it was.

BearlyBreathing: I don't hold any ill will towards OW or OM. (I do a little towards OM2 and the other colleague.) Life is complex. Also, I think people over-rate safety. I don't want this to happen again, but my wife has given me so much joy over the decades, this barely even registers on the other side of the scale. (If it were ever to happen again, then the puzzle would be much easier to solve.)

Pogre: I'm not looking for simple answers, I just wondered if someone else had been through something similar. I really appreciate all the perspectives everyone has offered here, even though I must seem to you all like someone determined to keep himself in a state of denial.

I think you have a good, solid grasp of what has happened. I don't think you're in denial about that. I don't know your personality or what you're like at all, but I suspect you might be in denial about how hard this hits your nervous system and emotions. For most people infidelity is one of, if not the worst experience of their lives. I've seen many say that it hurts worse than the death of a loved one, and in my personal experience that was the case.

Have you thought about or sought out any type of counseling to work through your feelings on what's happened?

I guess I'm having problems knowing what you are asking here? So, if I can sum up, she got kind of drunk on her birthday (which birthday, I wonder) and had sex with 2 (or is it 3) at the party in your house, with you there, and at one point she's in your bedroom with one of these assholes and she chases you out, tells you to leave, and you do. So she's screwing around with these 2 two married assholes in your house at a party you probably arranged for her, she tells you to get out of your bedroom so she can finish fucking this person, and you do, and you then fall madly in love with her and have sex with her, and.....what? So....is she having sex with anyone else in the past year? Was she screwing around before? Do you care?

From what you say, you don't seem to have any problem with what she did, you seem to be "more in love with her than ever" so I don't understand why you are here. You don't seem to be angry or upset or afraid or insecure from what I get - personally I would have put my foot up her ass and those of her playmates, but I guess this is OKAY WITH YOU?

So you are saying THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OKAY WITH YOU? If it is, it is. This is just MY reaction to this, how I would take it, but I would think my spouse had a drinking problem, or had been cheating before and really wanted to make a special night of it on her birthday fucking her way through the house, or maybe she has a mental problem too, because....this has nothing to do with peri-menopause, that's an excuse. She probably has a lying problem. And she definitely has ZERO RESPECT FOR YOU. Because this is not what people who respect their spouse do.

Now if you two want to be polyamorous and fuck around with other married people's spouses....that's up to you two and you can agree to that and set limits if you will. But that's something you should discuss and work out in advance.

I don't think much of your wife and I find your reaction bizarre, but again, if this relationship is acceptable to you, that's the only thing that matters. I would leave OTHER MARRIED PEOPLE OUT OF THIS.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 1:55 AM, Wednesday, March 25th]

And she would say to me that she felt she would never be enough for me, which hurt because it had been me that wasn't enough for her, wasn't it?

No sir, that’s not it at all. People cheat because something’s the matter with them, not the partners they betray. That why it’s a critical for her to get to the bottom of what that something is, as BarelyBreathing described. Besides, if you really believe that the problem is that you’re not enough for her then it would be masochistic to stay, as it could only ever end in tears.

I hope you address these issues with your wife soon and don't let things fester. I’m honestly not sure if you’re repressing your feelings or if we just have polar opposite worldviews, because personally, I would be far more enraged by this. Essentially, your wife has had three separate incidents of physical affairs. They all involve varying levels of unacceptable disrespect: one was quite public, two involved mutual friends, and one was with a colleague. She has been found to have minimized some elements of the encounters yet you seem to accept on face value the latest accounts. This is something I find particularly worrying. Why are you confident these latest version of accounts are fully true? Nevertheless It appears nothing has been done to address this, and while you clearly feel a level of discomfort, you aren't taking a proactive drive to change the situation.

I can tell you what I would do, though I’m not sure how valuable my advice will be since our perspectives seem so diametrically opposed. On the off chance my approach has any value to you, here it is: I would arrange an appropriate time to have an in-depth discussion. I would start by saying that while I understand she views these incidents as mistakes that won't reoccur, I need more than just her word. I want to know what led to them so we can proactively ensure they never happen again. I would also make it clear that if they happen again, I won't abide it. You both agreed to a monogamous relationship, and currently, you are the only one keeping up your end of the bargain.

Give her a chance to come back with her reasons, but if she struggles to get to the true "why," I would insist on counseling. Ultimately, I’m a huge fan of red lines and uncrossable boundaries. In my experience, those who don't have these boundaries have a tougher time in life and are more prone to low self-esteem and being mistreated by others. Right now, it seems like you aren't imposing any consequences. You know your wife better than I do, and perhaps you think this is happening in a vacuum, but virtually nothing is. If not addressed, it will escalate. You can do something and stop the rot, or you can do nothing and hope. Do you want to be proactive, or do you want to be hopeful?

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:44 AM, Wednesday, March 25th]

I’m no prude. Despite my many posts on this site about alcohol, alcoholism and it’s effect on relationship I enjoy a good party and a good drink. Even – back in my youth – did things I regret while drunk. But I have to say that based ONLY on what you share I might not be too far off on my suggestion about the sub-category of alcoholic women. So as to not be too gender-based, I’m 100% certain many men become a walking-penis after a few drinks too…

Look at OM2 (actually OM1…). You state that she admitted to SEVERAL instances of making out with him while drunk. A work-colleague and these instances happened a couple of times when they went out together and got drunk.

Let’s start with what the occasion was to go get drunk with a colleague.
I have been working in corporate jobs for decades. I recognize the department parties, the project launch, the moral-boosters, the retirement parties, Christmas parties, annual picnic… While in sales I did about 2 events weekly, with an expectation of wining and dining customers (where I learned to put a slice of lime in my soda-on-ice so everyone thought it had gin too). I also recognize that companies have been tuning down the staff-only, booze flowing, attitude, because it creates scenarios like your wife and colleague making out. No modern company sees regular booze-ups as a positive event.

As a rule then with age, people start to cut back on attendance. Like these days in my early 60’s I will attend, but stay sober and head home ASAP.
I also know that if I did something like get drunk and make out with a colleague, I would do my utmost to NEVER repeat that scenario. A one-time occasion might be due to one-time excessive drinking or lowering standards. But a repeat… it’s a pattern.
Your wife – at 50 – is still hitting the bars with a colleague she admits to having a history of making out with…

Why?

That concerns me. That indicates that MAYBE the reason is the pull of the drink is more than the push of the shame of previous actions.

I wonder about the promiscuity she’s showing. It’s not a fascination or infatuation with one man, one person, but sounds more like grabbing an opportunity.
Of course, she could have been super-randy, but why not then focus on you – her "accepted" object of desire. Why this woman (btw- based on history she knew might be open to it) and this OM. Why the previous OM?

Sounds like it was spread out over the evening. If the OW encounter was earlier on, and she realizes it’s alcohol-infused/based, why not have some non-alcoholic beverages and sober down a bit? (BTW – if your wife is 50 and the previous event was 20 years ago… 30 is not "immature college-dorm experimentation…). Don’t we learn to control our drinking with age and experience?
Keep in mind that one "symptom" of alcoholism is an extreme tolerance to alcohol. When we are on the floor, they are still looking for the next drink…

Or if it was alcohol-based to a level she has so little self-control, why did ongoing drinking not lead to her passing out? Or was she so drunk when doing OM1 that she had no control? Think she was raped?

I don’t think so… I think this has something to do with her boozing, and insecurities.

I have a theory that my years here has validated more than shaken. That theory is that MOST infidelity is caused by insecurities and/or a need for validation. By having someone find you sexually attractive it validates you still "got it". To get that fix you might partake in some "innocent" flirting. Or you are aware of signals – like the OM1 at the party who saw or heard about the signal of your wife making out with the woman, and therefore an easy goal for him to validate his "ability to pull".

Validation is fine. We all need it, and we tend to get it from healthier ways. Like lowering your golf-handicap, benching five more pounds, being praised, being told you are a great dad, by your wife desiring you. Heck… even seeing the girls at the gym look you over…
The form of validation the WS is seeking is unhealthy, like meeting a validation to be rich by robbing a bank, or accepting praise for a job well done, knowing it was preformed by someone else.

Now – I don’t know what part alcohol has in your WW actions. All I know is that out of three OP you know of, all three were met by your wife when she was drunk. One of them several times when drunk and seemingly seeking out a situation where the combination of drunk and OM would be.

Drunk or sober then going repeatedly (albeit you say a couple of times…) into an infidelity situation and then seeking out 2 situations in one night is not indicative of a healthy mind.

Does she recognize that? Can she explain what’s happening?

Friend – I might be totally off with the alcohol. But would it be a big sacrifice for the two of you to commit to a 90 day sobriety period? Use that time to work on your marriage and to sort out the crazy friendships you seem to have?
Don’t have to send notes or anything like that, but lesbian-lover-woman should be off your social-list, as is grab-the-opportunity-lurker-friend, as is sexy-lips-and-roving-hads-work-colleague.