SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wouldn´t imagine being here writing this the last week.

My partner for -this year to be- 13 years now just had a one night stand. She went on a trip to Cuba, wich felt like betrayal on its own, when she anounced that she was going to this trip without me. We like the same music, we have been in cuba and other countries on festivals, we took dance classes togueter, so you can see why it was a shock when she told me she wanted to do the trip alone to the music festival.
She came back last thusday, I went to the airport to pick her up. We talked, we ate dinner there and then we went home, everything (for me) was fine, happy to see her again,

On friday I went to run some errands and she stayed home to rest from the trip, On friday night I tried to have fisical touch and intimacy and I felt something. Nothing really happend because when she took her clothes off and I touch her I don't know why, maybe as a joke maybe as something I felt I ask her if she has someone else to do to her what I wanted to do to her, and she went dead silent. Went to the bathroom, put her PJs, washed her theeth and finally came out and I insisted, Do you? and she said, something happend. I felt like never before in my life, What happen I said, she said everithing happend with someone. My world felt appart.

I asked her why, and now I think she reharsed her response before telling me. She told me: "I think I have tiroydes problems (which is true) I read that libido goes down, my symptomps got better there and I knew this guy, also I think is something I felt I had to do, because I´m not feeling myself lately, I don't socialize like I used to when I was young, and I could in this trip. I'm not feeling free and in the trip I felt liberty... Thing are not good between us for the years... I told you I wanted to open our relationship (wich is partially true, we had conversations on the topic, she told me she liked or likes? someone else, and that she has been thinking about it. We talked about this maybe 2 or 3 times the past couple of months, but we never were on the same page, we didn't commit to changeing things whatsoever)" this goes on and on, and I can see that she´s trying to not be accountable for what she's done.

My tears just burst, and she said "I'm sorry I am the reason you're crying" It felt so unpersonal... you're sorry you told me, you're not sorry you betrayed me... That's what I have been thinking, and I told her last night this. She's confused with that, but it's been 5 days since she told me "everything happend" and not, I'm sorry for what I did.

That is killing me. Also, when I asked her if she wants to be in touch with the person "everything happend with", she said: I don't know. It blew my mind, because she told me she needs sex without emotional connection, If that's what you want, why would you be in touch with that person? why would you exchange info with the one night stand if you're not interested in something else than a shagg? how come you don't know?

I told her my self harm thoughts returned, and she told me "I'm panicking if something happens to you because you´re very important to me" And I felt it again, she's guilty she told me, not that she did what she did and she's focusing on her and not me.

I don't know what to do, I guess I'm here like everyone else, just to venting... but I don't really know what to do, I don't know if I want to continue in this relationship, I asked her and she told me the same. I told her this morning that we both don't know what we want but that I want to try to figure it out toguether and propossed couples therapy and she said yes.

I feel something close to hope but with my self esteem broken, my hopes shatered, my trust in her gone... feels hopeless.

Thank you for reading this lines knowing behind them is just me hurting like never before, and that you can understand me. Sorry for my english, is not my first language.

MisterO,

Sorry you had reason to find this site.

Also, when I asked her if she wants to be in touch with the person "everything happend with", she said: I don't know. It blew my mind, because she told me she needs sex without emotional connection, If that's what you want, why would you be in touch with that person? why would you exchange info with the one night stand if you're not interested in something else than a shagg? how come you don't know?

I doubt it was a one night stand. She planned this trip without you for a reason. She was already in contact with him.

As you may have guessed, this has been going on since before she brought up opening the relationship, either with him or someone else. Cheaters often try to introduce non monogamy after their infidelity has begun.

Check out the Healing Library here, pay particular attention to the simplified 180.

asc1226 Thank you for reading my story.

as far as she told me, It was a one night stand since she doesn't know much people from Cuba, communicating with people from Cuba isn't very easy, but this probably is just me in denial. I guess confronting right now questioning again if she knew the guy from before would have any point. I guess this is something I have to bring up in counseling, if that counseling ever happens

It’s quite possible he’s not Cuban. She may have been in contact with him either online or in real life and arranged to travel there to meet with him or travelled there with him.

You don't need a counselor right now. Your wife needs a counselor preferably a psychiatrist.

You need a lawyer (abogado) right now, especially if you have children which you didn't mention whether you share children or not.

What a rabbit hole LOL. I guess it´s possible he´s not from there, maybe he is and she knew him from before, or maybe it was a one night stand and she might want to have the chance of contacting him as a coping mechanism. eitherway those questios won´t bring me peace, and asking her right now probably she will lie about it as a coping mechanism as she's not sorry for what she did...

To the children subject, we do not have children, that was a no no from the beggining for both of us.

I do read that a lawyer might be a good idea, since we co own a bussiness, and you don´t know people until sh*t hits the fan. And that t*rd hit hard ngl.

It feels really weird to write those words, you thougth you knew someone... reality checks are ruthless.

thanks again for reading and sharing your thoughts

It’s been said that every marriage has in it two people: a liar and a fool. If you’re not the one, then you’re the other.

Sorry you’re here, along with the rest of us.

Best wishes.

One thing I hate about this site is when we make worst case assumptions. I think it goes back to my police-training where you tried to build on knowledge rather than foregone conclusions.

However…
Think logically: She goes to Cuba and is insistent going alone. She meets a man she already knew. He’s willing to jump into bed with her. Isn’t this all too convenient to NOT be preplanned? As in there is interaction between then previous to the trip?

This is not an accident. It’s not a ONS as we normally define them. This is a thought out, long-planned and carried out intentional affair. We can assume there was previous contact. We can assume there will be ongoing contact. We can assume that since she was willing to discuss open relationships, ignore that there was no consensus, organize, plan, pay and implement her sex-trip, hook up, come home and behave as if nothing took place…

Frankly friend I am not optimistic for you and this relationships future.
I find her reasoning feeble. Never heard of a doctor write a prescription for sex as a hormonal treatment. The socializing… wow… Sorry. Don’t get it.
I get the issues. I get the relationship might be faltering, I get that you two might have been in trouble. But I don’t get the solution she sought out.

The way I see it?
You have two options:
You can accept that she has opened the relationship. Seeing as how she did all this and then is telling you all about it as in this being your future then I don’t see her stopping. If she’s honest about the non-emotional sex then you will be questioning her presence each time she’s half an hour late from the gym, or if she dresses up before going out. Your option is then simply pretending not to notice and hope she doesn’t give you a STI.

Then you can refuse to accept being in an open relationship. That’s your other option. Of course that requires that she too not be in an open relationship IF she wants to be with you. If she can’t… well… find ways to be partners in business but not in life.

Sir, I realized that your relationship was toxic even before her last (but probably not the first) betrayal. You wrote yourself that she flew to Cuba without your consent.
Besides, you've had breakup conversations before.
So what's the deal? Is she a princess, the heir to the throne? Is she a gem? Is she a model of perfection? Is she finally your true friend and comrade? Do you want to start a family with her and marry her?
NO. NO. And once again, NO.
Yes, it hurts to leave, it hurts unbearably, but staying is much worse. Your relationship has reached an impasse. And the more you humiliate yourself and play the pick me dance game, the less she will respect you and despise you more for your weakness.
Think about it, life is very short, spending your precious time with her you're stealing from yourself and reducing the chances of finding your true significant other.
Please do the right thing ASAP.

13 years together, like the same music, she tells you she wants to go to Cuba without you? She had this planned well in advance and I am willing to bet it was not a random thing, she planned it with this guy and that's the reason she did not want you to go

She is making excuses as to why she did it but the bottom line is she did it because she wanted to. You don't go on a trip by yourself unless maybe it's a girl's trip only to a resort for a weekend but traveling to another country? Yeah you do that stuff with your partner

Your whole world has been flipped upside down. Your partner betrayed you in the worst way possible. I would suggest IC for both of you, skip the MC, and after several months if you think you want to try and fix the relationship then talk with an MC.

So sorry you find yourself in the club that none of us ever wanted to be a member of but you have found a great resource for support and advice

Sorry you find yourself here. Her impersonal responses to your questions reveals a lot in my opinion. Of course I don’t know her and I could be all wrong. She seems to have checked out of your relationship and is seeking out and testing out others while keeping you as a back up just in case it doesn’t work with the new guy. That is no way for you to live. Right now take care of you. Always value yourself. You deserve to have a faithful partner. Set your boundaries. Bigger gave you great advice. If she insists on an open relationship you know your path. Good luck.

MisterO

I think a key-reason those that have answered are so firm in their responses is because how calculated and premeditated this all seems.

I listed some issues, like the determination to take this trip alone without you, as reasons to assume this was premeditated.
I didn’t mention one screaming factor: Cuba.
This month… With all that’s going on there, the power-outages, unrest, shortages… It’s a really strange place to choose to holiday unless you have an agenda. If that agenda had been "simply" to find some random guy to have no-strings sex with then why not a cheaper/safer option, like another city in Colombia, Panama, Kosta Rika, Curacao or any of the other Caribbean islands? Why the only place that makes taking a beach-holiday on the Strait of Hormuz sound like a great idea?

Add to some other factors you mention – like her wish to open the relationship – and I guess all we indignant on your behalf posters are simply seeing some version of the same thing:
This is planned, this is premeditated, this is determined. She is willing to place all her chips on one hand – one bet. She might be mitigating it with her explanations and maybe even with her claim of non-emotional sex, but I think she’s after one goal:

She has decided to open your relationship and is now betting that when push comes to shove YOU will accept it, rather than end the relationship. I’m also 99% certain that she will continue with her open relationship no matter what you say.
I’m also 60/40 sure that it’s not a need/want for sex with random men, but CERTAIN men – maybe even MAN. As in her Cuban lover. It’s not non-emotional.

Like… I don’t think she would agree to get her needs met at a sex-club, or swinging society where you go along and sit at the bar sipping your beer while she’s being "treated" for her hormonal imbalance. She would probably not agree to you accepting an open relationship, but no Cuba again. She wants to open it to him.

If you want to test this, then ask her to define her view on an open relationship. There are posters here who have been/are in open relationships, and the ones that seem to work are those with very clear and enforceable ground-rules. Like for example – non-emotional sex at clubs or swinger-parties, vetoing on partners and so on. What is she offering you?

I think this has reached a stage where your options are really limited to two choices:
Accept an open relationship or refuse an open relationship.

I have a feeling that to do the former you BOTH need to have very clear joint rules – and I think that will probably lead to you having to accept she has a lover who is in Cuba, and she will visit or he come over. Or you refusing an open relationship at the cost of this relationship. I think SHE is determined on her course, and basically your options are to accept or refuse.

To all that read my first post, thank you

This is an update.

We broke up, she broke up with me.

I kind of understand all the hurt people that have been betrayed by their loved ones.
For me it has been the worst pain I've ever felt. It's crushing but also it has been enlightening.

To all people that have read and commented my post I want to tell you that what I wrote it was 100 % real but it wasn't the whole story.

This time has made me reflect on my responsibility of the state of my relationship, and I don't say this for give my partner grace, She did what she did and she knows it was wrong.

I have been trying to make some sense all of this and she was 100% honest, I belive her and now I know the place where she was when she made her decision was a place of deep confusion, with her mind, soul and body. It was a selfish decision, but it was just a symptom of the overall of our relationship.

Now I know that I have to work on myself, learn how to love myself and be there for me, if I want to have another relationship and don't bring all the mistakes I've made in the one that just ended.

She's hurting too for see me suffering, to see how our family crumbled. She has some discovery to make, she doesn't know if this thing she did is a phase, some accumulation of hurts and confusion, and I can't do nothing more but hope she finds what she needs, I have to let her go, because I love her.

I belive my story is in a sense very similar to other people's, but also I belive is way different than any other.

I'm still hurting, but at least I think my suffering is here to serve me a purpose and a meaning for my own life.

I hope if you read this in search of clarity, you can find it. Humans are messy and very fragile, we can't do nothing more but accept that and just live our lives.

I don't think my pain would let me be friends with her, maybe it will when some time passes. Also to this day I belive she's the love of my life, and there's a light beam of hope that we can come together again when we heal and learn everything we need to be in a healthy relationship. I really do hope that happens. If not, I just have to accept that our story ends. Also we ended in good terms and we will work together in our little business, that's kind of our son and we decided we will try to make it work. I still trust her as a person and as a business partner.

Thank you for reading this, and I hope my words finds you well, I know you're hurting, me too. Unfortunately I can't give you advice or hope, but at least you can be sure you're not the only one

On the plus side, the real love of your life will find you when you least expect it. You just had to get this practice love out of the way so you gained life experience.

MisterO - I often say this to betrayeds because....it seems to be true. You sound like a really nice guy. Her....not so much. I know you think she's all that, but....nah. She's really not. As time passes, you'll see that. I can remember when guys broke up with me - that's usually how it went because I'm a clinger generally. Or I used to be. And I'd be so devastated because they were so wonderful blah blah. And as time went on I came to realize....no, they really weren't. I was just an asshole magnet. I'm not saying that's your situation but I think we only start seeing people realistically once we've been out it for a awhile. And you really do seem like an intelligent, sensitive guy I think a lot of women would love, when and if you're open to it. She sounds like a cold fish to me, maybe someone who was always kind of a cold fish. The way she did this was very ...what would the word be....very calculating. She planned this trip to an area you would like, with someone I think she already knew and had been with, and this was, to me, A TEST FOR HER. This was not just a vacation, but a test drive of him. In an area away from you, she wanted to see what it would be like, not just physically, but with another guy. I think she already had decided to move on perhaps well before this trip, and I think if you can look back honestly, I think you'll see indications of that. She's been out of this for a while.

As terrible as it always is at the time, we can't hold on to people or things that want to leave. It's not us...it's something in them usually that makes them want to do or experience something else. I just wish they would do it HONESTLY and discuss this before hand but I think she came to the conclusion before the trip that your relationship was not what she wanted but she wanted to try out this other guy before she ended it with you. She may not even go with him or stay with him, I think this trip made up her mind.

As for you....as I say, you sound like a really nice guy and when you're ready, I think you'll find someone else who will suit you better. Just try to understand the lessons from this relationship and and bring them along when you can, when it's time to look at other people. Just so you don't fall in with the same type....we often do....I certainly did.

Keep writing here if you want support and a mental hug - the people here are very caring and usually have excellent advice and insight. And most of us have been through this too, it presents differently but it ends up as the same kind of thing....feeling unwanted and unvalued. Well....it's their loss, and it's her loss because it's not something she can appreciate or she didn't want the guitar player, she wanted the drummer or the keyboard guy, if you get my drift. It's usually NOT us.

How are you ending your business situation with her? I would try to wrap that up if you can, the less involvement with her, the better. Don't take her back either....it would make you feel "less than". Always move forward, don't look back.