SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know deep down reconciliation is the best option for me and my family physically, emotionally, practically and financially.

I know my husband is truly remorseful, I don't think he will do it again and I know he loves me and our children and would turn back time if he could.

However, the feelings at times are unbearable and so intense. I have turned a corner on that I am not lashing out or calling him names anymore or trying to shame him, but sitting with this feelings are so hard. It makes me want to leave but I love him, would miss and I honestly think it would be a mistake but my god, the sadness is breathtaking... literally I walk around taking gasping breaths!

I don't think I have ever sat with my feelings...If a pet died I replaced it instantly to sooth the pain, I had a miscarriage and had to get pregnant again straight away to deal with the pain. How to I cope with this pain?

I know the only way is through, I know only I can heal myself, I recognise I can't change the past this shit has happened, I didn't deserve it but I have to accept it, but it's so so so hard at times.

I turned to alcohol, food and shopping at first but I can't do that anymore as always hol triggers my PMDD symptoms and I am getting fat eating crap which makes me feel worse and I can't afford to keep shopping!

I am reading the self help books, doing self care activities...pilates, crochet, walking having therapy twice a week and it's all helping until I hit a sad moment and although I'm not ruminating as much or asking why, or lashing out that leaves me with the emotion of pain - and that is overwhelming and making me want to escape!

Any help would be appreciated!

I don't have a lot of advice for you except to say that time does help. I am significantly better than I was a year ago, and better even than six months ago.

I still struggle a LOT with the feelings of betrayal, triggers, and general depression and pain. But it is significantly better than it was six months ago.

As my IC says, give them the time to show you they have changed. People don't change over night. That goes for you as well. It takes time.

We all want to escape the sadness. Easier said than done unfortunately.

Thank you Theevent...I think because it was 13 years ago now, he feels like he has changed already but I've only just learned about it so I see him as selfish, immoral, unloyal and dishonest whereas in his eyes he has not been that man for a long time...however, he has clearly been dishonest as he continued to lie to me! It's an absolute mind fuck!
I'm angry and betrayed in behalf of 31 year old me and a newborn/,toddlers when I'm now 43 with teenagers..it's so difficult to wrap my head around.

I want to avenge my younger self and my young children and divorce the 34 year old immature , selfish husband who did this to me but stay with the 47 year old loving husband I have today!

I want to avenge my younger self and my young children and divorce the 34 year old immature , selfish husband who did this to me but stay with the 47 year old loving husband I have today!

Coming to terms with the idea your spouse is both of those people is a very uphill battle.

My wife’s LTA happened in the 25-30 range, I think the confession happened at 48. She really is nothing like the selfish, self-absorbed conflict-avoider of those A years.

I like the new version quite a bit better, but it took a while to understand her good self was built by learning from her very worst days and worst choices.

In the interim, while I tried to figure out what I wanted from life, much less my M, I did a full on ‘all about me’ journey. Hell, I didn’t have the emotional energy for anything else anyway.

I worked out, I spent quality time with my sons, I talked to friends I hadn’t talked to in a while, I went to concerts of bands I love, I watched every comedy show I could find (because laughter is good, even when you’re fighting depression).

I focused on all the things that made me cool in the first place.

It’s quite a bit, actually.

I’m a helluva catch.

It does take time, and reminding yourself that you are truly a badass to have the strength to even CONSIDER staying in your M.

When you do get your swagger back, and you will, your choices to grab a hold of some joy will return too, and maybe it will include R, maybe not.

It helped my R to know the front door was there just in case I was done.

Thank you oldwounds...I am trying to invest in me. I've joined a gym and started meeting up with friends more.

Can I ask, as your wife's affair was similar to my husband's in some ways, how did you feel about her as a mother? I am struggling to understand how my husband could do this to his children and whether what he did makes him a bad dad? It's weird because in every other way he is a great dad who drops everything for them, but how could he risk their happiness and stability and damage their mother so much?

It's weird because in every other way he is a great dad who drops everything for them, but how could he risk their happiness and stability and damage their mother so much?

The "in every other way" is kind of where I decided to see to offer a last chance at the M thing.

There are life long friends we have (the A happened when we lived in a different state before moving back home) who think my wife is up for Sainthood. Top of her class, all scholarships for college, she never missed a day in school, ever. Never missed a Sunday at church (until the A), and has been to every parent-teacher event in the history of our kids.

It’s the rationalizations, the lies a WS tells themselves that create space for the double life:
They are certain we will not be hurt by what we don’t know (the victimless crime lie).
Normally, I don’t do this, but wow you are special (lies WS tell each other).

That and throw in some blame on the M, or life just not being what they thought it would be, blah, blah…rinse and repeat.

I don’t think my wife was at her best — but she betrayed her own best interests as well (her A cost her a job), the best interests of her kids, but at the end of the day she is a good person who did bad.

For me, I find we’re all the sum of the good and bad, for my wife, despite the horror show she brought into our lives, she has done a lot of good, especially for my sons.

Thank you oldwounds...this has helped a lot. My friend has been trying to tell me similar things but my brain constantly spirals backs to 'he must be a bad dad' and like you're wife my husband has gone above and beyond as a father in every other way - he is the dad who can always be relied on and I believe he would walk through fire for his sons that why the affair doesn't make sense!

I think he also saw it as a victimless crime, believed I'd never find out, it was just sex, the marriage was under strain, our sex life wasn't good etc etc.

I like to apply logic to things so maybe if I look at it logically and consider how the good outweighs the bad that will help.

The sadness I hear in your words is, as you so elegantly stated, "breathtaking".
Sometimes good advice offered really does help. Other times it is painful to hear. Many times, having someone who knows the pain you are being forced to endure through the actions of someone you fully trusted, to sit quietly by your side is all one needs.

I’m new here, posted only three times but I have read many posts and even more comments and am finding this site and it’s participants safe. Just know we all sit with you in our own ways, some expressive, some quietly.
Your pain is palpable.

I don't think I have ever sat with my feelings...

Sit with them. Let them out. Let them wash over you. Rage until you can rage no more. Weep until you can weep no more. Whatever until... well, you get the point, I'm sure.

When we keep our feelings buried within they fester and rot, eating away at any chance to find peace.

ETA: I truly believe that infidelity is self-destructive. We, the betrayed, are but collateral damage. Your WH didn't "do" anything to you or your kids, you just happened to be in the blast radius when he blew-up his own life.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 3:26 PM, Sunday, July 13th]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I remember how deeply painful it was for me, too. At the time, I found myself turning to all sorts of distractions just to avoid feeling the weight of it. Eventually, I realized I was becoming someone I didn’t recognize, and that avoiding the pain was only prolonging it. What helped me most was finally allowing myself to sit in it, feel it, and move through it.

One of the first things I did was start therapy. It gave me a safe space to process all the emotions and confusion. My therapist once asked me if the feelings I was having reminded me of anything from my past. That question opened up so much - because sometimes the heartbreak from infidelity taps into older wounds that we haven’t even realized are still there.

I also read about the stages of grief after betrayal - shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, acceptance. It helped me to name what I was feeling as it came. Sometimes I was in two or three stages at once, and that was okay. Just labeling what was happening inside helped me not feel so lost in it.

When I felt the urge to avoid or act out, I’d try to gently remind myself: "This feeling won’t last forever, and numbing it might make it linger longer." I gave myself permission to cry, to journal, to remember, to nurture myself in ways I never had before. Slowly, I began to feel more grounded.

It’s still a process, but over time I started to heal- not just from the betrayal, but from other pain I’d been carrying too. I got to know myself in a deeper way. I learned boundaries, self-worth, and how to really listen to my internal world. It’s like peeling back layers of an onion, getting closer to the core of what I truly need and value.

Be gentle with yourself - this is a tender and painful thing to go through, and you deserve care as you move through it.

Asterisk - thank you for your reply. Knowing others are going through this pain helps in several ways. It helps knowing others can understand my pain and, unfortunately, it helps me realise how mainstream infidelity is. This is comforting in a strange way as I realise I am not unique, unfairly targeted or being punished...I'm simply, like so many others here, an unfortunate victim of our loved ones poor choices. Also...if so many people cheat, not all these people can be evil and narcissistic, I see so many waywards on here are/were damaged people making poor choices - maybe then my WH is also a damaged person who made bad choices too?

Unhinged..thank you. I definitely tried to bottle up my feelings this week and the result was me rocking and sobbing till 1pm wishing to die 😞
I know deep down I'm just collateral damage but how can I then trust my husband - or anyone for that matter - with my heart. I feel like I've been emotionally stabbed. How on earth am I ever going to be emotionally vulnerable without risking this pain again?

I feel the few friends I have told have no idea of the depth of this pain...if my husband had died people would understand my grief, but with infidelity, I have lost my safe person, my stability, my gravity and yet the world expects me to carry on as normal. It's so exhausting and feels impossible.

Maise - thank you for your reply...It helps so much to hear others have got through this and. Not alone in my reactions - I tend to gaslight myself and tell myself I'm overreacting, being ridiculous or too sensitive.

The betrayal has opened deep wounds from childhood of being worthless and I find myself repeating my dad's words of 'i wish you'd never be born' to myself. I'm in counselling but I feel I've experienced so much damage now I don't see how I can ever be whole again. I'm so angry and upset that my husband knew how much trauma I had and how I would react to his betrayal but still chose to meet his own 'needs' rather than consider the consequences his actions would have in me.

Have you learnt to trust other people again?