SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had an affair 2 years ago when he was away for the year for work. Our marriage was strained by the distance, and leading up to that year it was strained by the stress of having 2 young kids and his busy job, so it was a wobbly foundation at the time. I found out on my own after suspecting something. He lied every time I confronted him, and up until the moment I showed him the proof. I had always considered him to be exceedingly honest, so the lying was one of the hardest parts for me. It changed my sense of reality. While I’d always been certain I’d leave if he cheated, I chose to stay. I did it because his remorse was real, his apologies were sincere, and because he was a good person who did a bad thing, rather than a bad person. I also stayed because we have 2 young kids, and his is our sole income. I can’t pretend that logistical reasons didn’t play a role. With a lot of intense work, we did get stronger. He so clearly regretted it and worked so hard to make it up to me. He became a better partner and dad, and I felt very confident in my decision to stay, and even grateful that I had.
Yesterday, I got an anonymous email from a coworker of his that he is cheating on me again. The actual physical act of cheating wasn’t known by the person, but they said he’s been flirting and inappropriate with her, with clear intent to cheat. When I confronted him, he denied it vehemently, but I could tell he was hiding something. After much denying, he finally admitted that while he hasn’t cheated physically, he did text with this person and then delete the texts so I wouldn’t see. He denies that there was anything "inappropriate" in them, but of course, why delete them if he doesn’t feel guilty about something. And why lie about it. I do believe that nothing physical has happened with this person, but the lying has broken my trust once again. Especially after I even reminded him how much worse it was the last time when he wasn’t honest, and he still lied this time until he couldn’t anymore. I genuinely don’t want this marriage to be over. We have been so happy the last year, worked so hard to get here, and have so much on the line. But I feel like at this point, he’s forcing my hand. How can I stay with someone I don’t trust, who has put me in this position yet again. Sure, he didn’t cheat in the same way he did last time, but he lied and concealed and has brought me right back into all the trauma from before. But then again, how do I go?

Welcome to SI and sorry you're joining the best club nobody wants to join. First, let me give you some resources. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are recommended reading for new members. Nest, there are some posts with bull's eye icons that aren't pinned but are also great resources. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and contains a lot of great information.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is much more intense, but has a lot of great information.

I hope you've gotten tested for STDs/STIs, as there are some nasty things around that will turn into cancer and kill you. When he sleeps with somebody else, he is putting your health at risk.

It doesn't matter if it's a PA (physical affair) or EA (emotional affair), he's cheating. It sounds like he's a serial cheater, and they're notoriously bad for not doing the work to become a safe partner. He should be in IC (individual counseling) to work on his whys.

IC with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful for you. You may not completely understand the level of betrayal at play and there may be more infidelity than you realize. While you feel that you did a lot of intense work to recover, he did not become a better partner.

What boundaries and consequences did you state would happen if he did this again? Also, does the AP (affair partner) have a spouse or partner? You should let them know so they have the agency to make decisions on the truth rather than the lies fed to them by the AP.

Sorry you're here and keep posting.

I am sorry you have had been betrayed not once but twice. It is devastating and heartbreaking to say the least.

I am also sorry your husband chose to lie when confronted recently. I always say it’s not the cheating that destroys the marriage but the behavior at and after Dday that destroys it.

That being said I hate to say this but it is possible he could have ended up in a physical situation with the co-worker had you not found out. So while nothing physically happened, it may have just been due to being outed. And that doesn’t give him "a pass".

He’s cheated and betrayed you yet again. And you are not over reacting. He did this at a point when you felt your marriage was good. You know his cheating has nothing to do w/ you or the marriage, but for some reason he chooses to cheat. Maybe he "needs" validation from OW or he uses it as his excuse because he’s insecure or Whatever 😡. But it’s clearly HIS issue and he needs to resolve it.

Where do you go from here? I don’t know if you stay or D or you go to counseling (again ).

But what I do know is you need to protect yourself and your kids. If possible get a part time job and hoard your $ in an account he knows nothing about.

Get copies of all your financial documents including tax returns and store them off site. Not in your home. Start switching beneficiaries on some accounts that may be yours alone. Cancel all joint credit cards and get cards in your name alone. If he wants to screw things up and not pay his bills, at least it won’t affect your credit score.

Maybe see a D attorney just to get some guidance.

But have an exit plan - solid plan in place just in case you decide one day to leave him.

Maybe get your own counselor on how to deal with a "good guy" who does not want to be respectful and monogamous and stop being flirty and a liar.

Read up on the 180 and start putting boundaries in place. As an example I stopped putting my H first after affair #2. I still don’t do his laundry or run his errands or that stuffing used to do. It’s been 12 years since Dday and I redefined our marriage.

And I am much happier for it.

And if your H doesn’t like it, he either adapts or doesn’t. If he cheats because you refuse to do his laundry (as an example) then he’s not such a "good guy". He’s more of a spoiled child in a man’s body.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:52 PM, Tuesday, May 6th]