SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hate to hear of your situation. Full transparency - I am not a proponent of staying together "for the kids" because, in large part, as a child I lived through a similar situation and my parents stayed together far too long then they should - for me. The tension during that time was terrible - and I would be shocked if your kids didn't notice it. I have a few old posts out there detailing my experience at that time. Interestingly, as a younger kid (around 7-10 during that whole mess) my experience was different from my younger sibling (who is 5 years younger) - she does not remember my parents being together, and when my Dad moved out she seemed genuinely happy about having another bedroom to decorate. I was initially very unhappy when my Dad moved...but really it didn't last as the peace of their separation was so much easier to deal for me.

It's all about the children. At that age parents and family are their world, they love us both. I am not sure I can bring myself to ruin their world.

And as I'm sure others have noted - you did not ruin their world - your WS did that. Unfortunately you have to be the adult in the room and fix their world that your WS blew up the best you can. Don't forget that for your own sanity.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:54 PM, Friday, May 2nd]

Using social media is a gamble. There’s always the risk AP might intercept your message. If this isn’t his first rodeo you might even be blocked on her socials. If she works and you can find out where I’d send her a message there along with whatever proof you’re comfortable supplying.

Or since you now have a name you can use a PI to locate her and deliver the proof.

I reached out to one OBS through Facebook messenger and it sat for months with no response. If you are not friends it will go to a different folder (or at least it did in the past). I decided to search the internet for alternative information and found she was on the board of a non profit, it listed all the members and their email addresses.

I sent an email directly got to the point. "Hello my name is Tanner and I have discovered my W had a ONS at conference in [City] on this [date]. As I have gone through the evidence it turns out to have been with your H [A Holes name]. Feel free to reach out if you would like to discuss."

She responded immediately and we had a phone call.

Sometimes an OBS can be resistant to the truth. I remember initially confronting all parties with my concerns and the OM and OBS (and my WS) all denied and OBS just said she didn’t think it was true. So eventually I got a PI, blew it up by confronting OM, and foolishly at that point didn’t even concern myself with OBS. I think that allowed things to continue underground until finally I approached OBS with hard evidence she could not deny - and then she phoned my wife and cussed her out called her a whore and told her to never contact her husband again. Point being that some spouses simply are clueless - unless you have the goods, they may simply dismiss what you are saying to preserve their world and avoid the horror of the truth. God bless and saying a prayer for you right now for grace and wisdom.