Her pain is greater than mine.

Going on a little over a month of in house separation.

Ive been reading a bunch of books on infedelity and rebuilding trust, I feel like alot of the infedelity books are for when the affair just happened and that really doesnt apply to my situation because my affair was over 2 years ago at this point, but im trying to take what I can and apply it to our situation. We rug swept when it happened and I believe thats what led to the situation we are in now.

My BS said that she needs time and space to heal and find herself again. She's told me when she's ready that she'll come find me and give us another go. She's told me she loves me but she isnt in love with me and wants to work on being happy first.

I'll admit that I've been crying and bringing her my pain alot lately and I know thats selfish of me, as much pain as im in, its probably only like 1/4 of the pain she feels. So lately I've been trying to refrain from showing her my pain.

There's been a few weekends when she promised to come home and hang out with me but then she'd be gone all weekend. She assures me she doesn't want anyone else and hopes its us in the end but she can't promise it will be.

I know she's just hanging out with her friends getting drunk and im trying to be respectful and let her take all the time she needs.

Her broken promises about hanging out make me worry that she wont even give us a go again. And then I feel terrible for questioning that because im the one that was dishonest with her in the first place.

My birthday is coming up and she said she'd spend the day with me but then asked if id mind if she went out of town for a concert. After a few tears I told her to go. Im trying to not let it bother me but its sucks because I havent spent a birthday without her in the past 10 years.

We are still sexually active together, and she's let me sleep with her a handful of times.

I feel like the hardest part for me has been not having her to talk to, we were the couple that texted and told each other we made it when we went somewhere, emailed back and forth while at work, always called her on my way home and now the communication is definitely few and far between.

Ive asked what I can do for her to help her if anything, she says she just needs me to be strong and be the rock for her, she needs me to be her peace so im really trying to not bother her with my feelings and just take hers into account.

I know my affair was like pulling the rug out from underneath her. She questions herself about why she wasn't good enough when in reality it was me that wasn't good enough. I know she's question her worth, and why it had to happen to her. I know the pain im in doesnt even compare to how she feels.

I've been working in the yard alot lately and taking walks with my dogs, trying to take my mind off things but its really never far out of my mind.

Been doing the gratitude practices and been practicing being kinder to myself and trying to show myself grace. I know I messed up and broke us but im trying to remember that was me 2 years ago and while im definitely not the best version of myself yet, im trying to become better and I feel like to me that has to count for something.

Havent been drinking at all, also have decided to start taking better care of myself by eating healthier and exercising.

I guess im just wondering if anyone has had successful R after having a separation period?

1 comment posted: Monday, May 5th, 2025

My dirty laundry.

Im a WW and I betrayed my wife. We've been together almost 10 years and married for 6.

It started not long after we got married, when covid hit and we moved in with her parents for awhile while we saved for our house. She started spending all her time with her family and I felt alone. Which is my why, I think? I realize now its a stupid reason but there isnt any good reasons. Ive always been a loner with a few good friends of mine passing away at a young age, loneliness is something ive always struggled with.

I tried to speak to her about it but she didn't seem to understand so instead of trying to explain what was going on with me, I started looking for validation from others.

I started talking to a ex that's was friends with me and my wife. I did lie and sneak around talking to her and was having an emotional affair but it was never sexual until I talked my wife into having a threesome (something im not proud of). We then tried a thrupple with this person (something else im not proud of), that failed, my wife felt left out. So when that happened I started drinking heavily and bounced back and forth between my wife and my AP for awhile. I always told my AP I'd never leave my wife. Now I realize the moment I started engaging in any sort of affair I left my wife.

At one point my wife begged me to come home and stop, I told her she should leave me because I didn't think she'd ever come to a place where she could move past it. That moment haunts me.

After probably 6 months i eventually went home, and tried to correct things with my wife, she never wanted to talk about it. She told me to go NC with AP. I failed at that. It wasn't never sexual or emotional again, but we did still communicate occasionally (months in between). We had a dog together so when that dog passed she came and let me say goodbye, i paid for the dog to be cremated, and a week later she brought me some ashes. We barely spoke about anything other than the dog. I havent seen her since. I realized I shouldn't be speaking to this person anymore so I got rid of everything i had from this person and deleted their contact info out of my phone recently. Even though we haven't spoken in probably over a year.

I also sexted with some guys online, my wife caught me doing that, I justified it because we wasn't having sex and I knew if I sexted with guys id never get a emotional attachment with them because I'm a gay women. I know it was wrong and I'm not proud of it.

Fast-forward to now, My wife told me on the 1st of April. She hasn't been able to get over it. She needs space and time to find herself again. She said shes love me and us but she isnt in love with me or in love with the us we became And maybe eventually that we can fix whats broken. I stupidly have been fighting to save my marriage. Fighting for something that ended the moment I had an affair.

I also should mention i got black out drunk a week ago and tried to fight my wife's sister. Furthering the wedge in between me and my wife. Needless to say I quit drinking and have been focusing on sobriety.

I have purchased all sorta of self help books, as well as a book I seen recommended here "Rising strong".

I'll admit that in the years after the affair I never tried because I felt like my wife wasn't trying to get over it. I thought eventually we'd come to a point to heal and move past it together. I now realized I just sort of rug swept it and didn't do any real work on myself. I also realize how incredibly stupid that is now.

While R is all I want, im trying to learn that R right now isn't possible and I'm trying my hardest to come to terms with it being out of my control.

My wife has started drinking heavily and while I know that isn't gonna help her heal, I know I'm not allowed to tell her how to fix what I broke.

While waiting for approval to post, I've read alot of the post that are here and am seriously trying to take some of this advice and apply it to my situation.

Im still deeply rooted in shame and guilt. It's hard to even look at myself in the mirror. Im trying to remember that I'm not a bad person i just did something terrible. Im not sure what I'm here looking for. Just people who are going through what I'm goin through i guess. Im ashamed of my actions and I'm angry at myself for destroying my marriage and for hurting my wife, im not sure what the future holds and I'm not sure where to even start but I know I don't wanna be the person I have been.

Thanks for reading. It helps to put it out there. I've aired all my dirty laundry. Judge me if you must. But just know your judgment of me could never be worse than the judging of me I do every single day.

5 comments posted: Monday, April 28th, 2025