SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

W admitted to an emotional affair in counseling. She still sees him in social situations, (they are in the same group of friends), and she has flat out refused to go no contact, even after I saw some of the things he texted her. To make a long story short, she has now invited me to some of these social situations, and there is a high likelihood that he and I could show up at the same event. So, forum members, how should I react when he shows up? (a) cut off his nose (or some other protruding parts) -- just kidding, I'm not the violent type -- or (b) scathing insults or (c) ignore him or (d) be civil. He had to have seen W's wedding ring, so he chose to damage or destroy our marriage for a BJ. I consider that behavior to be immoral and yes, even rude. I will not shake hands with him. And, I am certain he will try to give my wife a social kiss.

He’s not the problem here. Your wife still being in contact with him and inviting you into the same social setting is wild. And if she accepts even a social kiss, that’s just not OK.

What does your counselor say?

But I would just ignore him as if he didn’t exist. He’s just a ghost in the room and you don’t even see him or talk to him or anything, but I think it would be better to not be in situations around him.

Why won’t your wayward spouse go no contact?

I’m confused because first you talk about an emotional affair, and then you mention a bj, which indicates the affair was physical as well. Whatever the case, I think your wife’s refusal to go no contact is the key issue here. At best, she’s ended the affair but is unwilling to really acknowledge what she’s done or space for the hard work of healing and reconciliation and rebuilding. At worst she’s actively still in the affair or keeping the option open, consciously or unconsciously.

As far as seeing the AP socially, that’s hard. I see my husband’s AP maybe once a year. They still work at the same place, and in a small town there are a few unavoidable social overlaps. I don’t actually think about it much now, at five years out, but it was very stressful and difficult at first. I mostly ignore her, though I’ll greet her if social norms require it. Honestly, she seems much more uncomfortable than me, so I take a little pleasure in that.

Whichever option you choose, you will make a fool of yourself just by putting yourself in that situation with an actively cheating woman on your arm.

And yes, your wife is still cheating on you if she’s refusing to cut contact with OM. Also, I’m not sure where you’re from, but in most places, a BJ certainly counts as a physical affair.

I’m sorry your wife has not stopped contact and expects you to see the OM in a social setting as though "nothing happened".

Honestly your wife doesn’t understand the damage and impact on you.

If it were me I would go and be civil so I don’t look like the fool to others. Privately I’d question my spouse’s selfishness and lack of caring to put me in such a bad situation.

You are in a "no win" situation. If you refuse to attend or do attend, you are suffering.

I’m sorry for you.

I gave up an entire friend group to ensure that my BH would never encounter this situation. Losing those friends was one of the consequences of my betrayal. I could have kept them, and my original friendship with the OM, if I had held proper boundaries. Because I didn't, I acknowledged that I could no longer participate in any group where he might show up, and those connections faded away.

I wish I could say I did the right thing immediately. Instead, I was like your wife in my belief that I could remain "just friends" with OM, since I had cut off our romantic and sexual connection. I continued to traumatize my husband long after I technically ended the affair. I strongly advise you not to tolerate it, even at the cost of ending your marriage.

This is intolerable. Your wife - if she wants to continue being called that - must cut this man out of her life. And if she refuses to do that, you must cut her out of your life. I think you need to realize allowing her to treat you like this is eroding any respect she might have had for you and is destroying your marriage. I would not tolerate her being in this guy’s presence. If she whines about it - well, she’s the one who created the mess, and now she needs to clean it up. And BTW you must insist on access to those texts and emails and must insist on boundaries. Read some good books suggested for Just Found Out folks - "Not Just Friends", etc., "How to Help your spouse heal from your affair" - and insist your wife read them to - and find a counselor who won’t tolerate this BS. A BJ is adultery plain and simple. You need to get educated, get yourself free from adultery and get on a true path of healing - it is the only chance to rebuild a marriage based on mutual respect and love.

If you think he might be there, you shouldn’t go, and tell her why.

And if she goes without you, you should be gone when she comes back.

Is this still the same AP from your post in 2022:

She knows that her continued association with Bozo causes me immense pain, and she has apologized for causing that pain. She continues to inflict that pain

If I am piecing this together right, continued contact with the AP was not a dealbreaker for your M (thus the current situation).

If so, it sounds like she had had some sort of contact with him for a long time so he has to be very aware that you exist. NOW - I am betting the version of the story your WW is telling him is way different than yours.

However, whatever he was (or was not told) does not really matter. The bottomline is she has been clear that her relationship with him takes priority over how it makes you feel.

This is unacceptable on every possible level.

NC is NC and any refusal to do so 100% lets you know exactly where you stand - on the bottom.

Com,

My guess is that the group of friends may have to go as well, since they represent a connection to the OM.

Further they may have know and even encouraged the affair, possibly making fun of you to make it seem ok.

BTW it wasn't just a BJ.

I realize there is an insane theory that a BJ is not an affair, but how can you even kiss your WW without seeing that image.

[This message edited by survrus at 8:47 PM, Saturday, May 3rd]

Meeting the ap is a big trigger for most of us. If we had to meet my W's ap for the first time in almost 15 years, I'd be triggered.

But how do you handle the fact that your W still sees om socially? Are you comfortable that the A is over? It's really hard for WSes to be with their aps in business situations. It's usually much worse for BSes when their WSes see the ap in social sitches.

As have a lot of characteristics of addictions. It's reportedly very difficult for aps to not to restart the A if they see each other after d-day. Are you fully aware of how your WS is handling the social contact? How are you doing?

I have a question – but frankly based on your past 11 posts I see you seldom answer our questions...
You have talked about an emotional affair, yet here you state:

so he chose to damage or destroy our marriage for a BJ.

Where is the BJ coming from? Do you know your wife gave him one, did he ask for one, were the messages between them sexual?

This is very relative to the issue. If there was sexual innuendo or sexual acts (and a bj is definitely sex) then this isn’t an emotional affair.

It’s your call if you respond, but I think that if you want help or progress it would to your benefit to do so.

I think meeting him is the worst thing that could happen to you and it seems like your wife is more than willing to put you in that untenable position for her own selfish reasons. Ew. If you think you won't be triggered meeting him in whatever the situation/circumstance or whatever preparation you allow yourself, I think you'd be mistaken. Humans are not built that way.

In my opinion it is simply not fair at all for your wife to ask this of you. It does not sound as though your wife has fully committed to R, in fact it doesn't sound as though she is done cheating yet (I'm not suggesting she is still cheating... I'm just not seeing the remorse and so I worry) . I think you have a decision to make, either make your peace with the fact that your wife is going to cheat again, demand she commit to R starting by going NC immediately and forever or... you guys should D.

Trying to figure out how to prepare yourself to react to meeting her AP in a social situation is a waste of time and isn't going solve the real problem you're facing.

I would find this situation completely intolerable.

I told my WW that I need all contact with her AP to stop completely and forever. I insisted this no contact include not looking at his social media at all, and her blocking him in every way she can, on all platforms.

I agree with the other posters here. The problem is with her, or more accurately with your soft boundaries you require of her.

Why do you allow this? There should be NC with the AP. No social situations. I would have her bags packed when she got home.