SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t know where to start or even where the proper place for me to both introduce myself and share why I am here. The short version is that my wife, who is the kindest most thoughtful person that I have ever known, during our 15th year of marriage, started a 1 ½ year affair with a good and trusted friend. D-day (Disclosure) was in our 19th year. I was crushed by a head on collision that I should have seen coming, but 100% trust set me up to be blindsided. It never even crossed my mind that this could happen to us. In all honesty, my wife didn’t think it could happen to us as well.

Though I am new here I’ve spent several weeks reading posts and paying close attention to people’s responses. Please understand, it wasn’t my intent to be a crawler, I just needed to figure out if this was a safe place to expose my brokenness. I’m sure I’m not alone in having my sense of safety shattered. I also wanted it to be a safe place for my wife. Not that she is on this site, but I don’t want her trashed, it just wouldn't be helpful. I hope that makes sense.

On a number of threads I’ve read it takes 2-5 years to heal and if one is attempting reconciliation, it may take longer. Boy, can I attest to that – much longer.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my situation, I look forward to both receiving and giving support in the healing process for, for me, it has been a long and lonely journey. I'm thrilled to be here.

Asterisk

So very sorry you are here friend. As you know this is a life changing event. People here will help you and provide amazing insight. Not knowing much about your situation, the only one thing jumps out at me is the deep sense you have to protect your wife ...even amidst this being an anonymous site ...and she is not even on the forum. This could be problematic and lead to you not healing properly and in reality would lead to her not healing and changing properly. In other words, your tendency could lead to rug sweeping and coddling of her instead of shocking her out of her stupor and affecting change that will make her see the utter deceit and horror she has brought up on you. Others may expand on this better than I...but please ...let your emotions flow here without reserve. Take this opportunity to embrace your masculinity. Draw near to God, He can guide through these rough waters.

It must be so very painful and confusing to sort out how to respond, when you have experienced a double betrayal. You are not alone here, others will be along with support. I hope you will be given good responses that can help you process this bombshell. In this case, it isn't one person's failure, but two persons dear to you who chose their own selfishness over protecting their relationship with you and for that I am so sorry.

Welcome, sorry you have reason to be here.

How long ago was your d-day? Your comment about timelines suggests you’ve been in this for a long time. What brings you here now?

I do agree with Woodthrush about your protectiveness. You have every right in the world to feel anger and rage. Don’t use it to hurt her, but don’t try to keep that in, it will corrode your spirit. Those feelings are the natural human response to the outrageous betrayal you have experienced.

I hope you stay and share. If you do, people here will quickly be all up on your side and from that there could be some unflattering things said about your wife. I’d recommend accepting that, both because you can’t really expect to control other people (including your wife and this is a great little microcosm to practice that lesson) and, if your experience is anything like mine, you may still be seeing your wife thru rose colored virtual reality goggles. I’ve benefitted from working thru both of those issues.

Best wishes.

Thank you WoodThrush2 for your counsel. Though it felt a bit harsh, I do appreciate your straight forwardness. I do not protect my wife from the consequences of her decision making. But I do see how my post’s wording could lead you and possibly others to think I might be sweeping the betrayal under the rug. I agree that would not be healthy for either her or myself so I will evaluate that possibility for I am sure the use of broom to rug is a common response to at least some of the issues that arise out of infidelity. But as you were straight forward, I will be as well. I don’t mind if people share their thoughts about my wife’s actions for those actions were unwarranted and are subject to criticism. But I will protect my wife from personal attacks. Not only from others but from myself as well. That all said, I truly appreciate you and your comments and value them.

Thank you Superesse for your warm, safe-feeling, welcome as I dip my toe into this forum. I’ve been going at this alone and I’m tired of doing so. To talk with my wife about my inner struggle is not a great option and to talk to friends and family is not an option at all. Again, thank you for your kind words.

InkHulk, thank you for your thoughts and for your support of WoodThrush2’s suggestions. The fact that this idea of my protectiveness might be something for me to evaluate has come up twice so early in my participation would suggest that I’d be amiss if I did not give it deep consideration. I will reflect, I promise.

You are right Inkhulk, it has been a long journey, one that is far into the reconciliation phase. What brought me here even though my wife and I are now in a wonderful place with each other is the fact that we did so without infidelity professional assistance. That did not really exist back then so there are some painful misses in the recovery process. I would suggest more so on my part than my spouses. Finding and correcting those misses is why I am here. However, that doesn’t really answer your question of "how long". D-day was before the internet existed. Before there were home computers and cell phones were reserved for the wealthy. Disclosure Day was not even in this century. Uggg. The day that lives in my personal infamy is June 1991. Sharing this fact shames me more than anything I might share.

Why is d-day your 'day of infamy'. You didn't cheat.

I don't know much about your situation, but I'd bet a lot you're beating yourself up for reasons that simply don't hold water.

Will you tell us what you've done to heal? It doesn't make sense for us to suggest actions that you've tried out.

Are you aware of the ICR (I Can Relate) forum threads on double betrayals and those who found out years later? The 2nd is different from your case, but the long term pain may be similar.

What help are you hoping for from SIers?

*****

To talk with my wife about my inner struggle is not a great option

Actually, it's the only good option. It may not work out well, but R can't work unless it does work well.

If you don't talk with your W, how can she possibly know what support you'd like? R requires honesty. Not talking with your partner about your thoughts and feelings is dishonest.

How can we help you heal?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:03 PM, Friday, July 11th]

Finding and correcting those misses is why I am here.

What do you think you missed?

Your comments, sisoon are welcomed.

I’ll try to answer your questions as I understand them and as I understand my response.

"Why is d-day your day of infamy. You did not cheat."

It would appear that once again I have worded myself poorly. I do not see my wife’s affair as my fault however it was, listening to her disclosure that felt as if my world had fully imploded. That was what I might have said better, I apologies.

Thank you for your concern about my possibly "beating myself up" for there was plenty of that earlier in the process. I’m sure at some level there will be moments when I land a blow to my nose, but in the end I know that the issue of an affair is clearly all of the cheater’s fault.

Thank you for the suggestion to check out the ICR forum, I will take you up on your suggestion.

As to my wife not being my best option that is only because I’m trying desperately to figure out a few things that still sting. My wife and I have spent decades working out the issues that both lead up to the affair and the issues that were caused by my wife from the affair. She is aware of the fact I’m working on this, there is no dishonesty between us. But this is now my journey and I will share what I’m going through with her but she does not have the answers that I’m trying to ferret out. Does that help?

What am I hoping for from Siers? I wish I had a complete answer. I’ll admit I’m stuck but I cannot see why. I’m hoping that people like yourself and others will shed some much needed light. It might take some blind poking around for the issues to come to the forefront. I ask for everyone’s patience.

Unhinged,

I think if I knew what I was missing I probably wouldn’t be here. I’m not used to feeling so lost as to why my mind is processing something out of my sight. As to this unknown issue/issues, when I look inward there’s simply an endless, silent void that hurts like heck. Though my wife’s affair was the explosion that ripped open the fabric of my confidence and security it is no longer her responsibility to walk this walk with me. I’ll be honest with her about every step, however, I believe it is no longer her walk to walk. She has her own.

Thank you everyone, for all your questions and thoughts.

But this is now my journey…

One thing I’ve learned by my own experience, and watching hundreds of posters show up here, is that the WS can do everything perfectly on the backside and the BS can deeply want to reconcile, and yet it can still fail. The BS just can’t get past it.

I showed up here in a similar situation, many years later, literally not having thought about it deeply for years. But then I did. It came on during the "what does it all mean?" years, when we start to take stock of things (meaning, checking out how the life story is coming along). It’s been a journey since.

An affair is an attack on the Self, on who you are and how you see yourself. You had a narrative, you had a story, it was wrong.

Underneath the pain is the question, who am I? What happened was crushing, why was it crushing? What exactly got crushed, anyway?

I have come to understand two points, at least for me. The first is from a Mary Oliver poem:

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

The other is related: The path forward is to grow your way out of this. To grow as a person.

I was given a dark gift, that pulls back the curtain and reveals some uncomfortable truths about my wife, of course, but more importantly uncomfortable truths about myself, if I am willing to see them. My Self, whatever that is. I didn’t ask for it, but it’s mine.

The affair blowtorches off the facade and exposes things we normally aren’t aware of, our fragility, our dependence on the views of others, our battle to create a story of our selves, some sort of narrative. Actually examining all of it is A Good Thing, if you prize the truth. You’ll find unexamined assumptions that aren’t true, and when you realize they are false, you can drop them and the pain that comes with them. I have.

Sorry you find yourself here, you didn’t ask for it, but here you are. You won’t find a better support group.

Sending strength!

My goodness House of Plane,

Your reply was extremely meaningful. I feel heard. The poem scratched at the edges of what I’m trying to grasp, how to reshape a tragedy into a triumph where in the end there are no losers, no bad guys, just personal and collective growth.

I was given a dark gift, that pulls back the curtain and reveals some uncomfortable truths about my wife, of course, but more importantly uncomfortable truths about myself, if I am willing to see them. My Self, whatever that is. I didn’t ask for it, but it’s mine.

The affair blowtorches off the facade and exposes things we normally aren’t aware of, our fragility, our dependence on the views of others, our battle to create a story of our selves, some sort of narrative. Actually examining all of it is A Good Thing, if you prize the truth. You’ll find unexamined assumptions that aren’t true, and when you realize they are false, you can drop them and the pain that comes with them. I have."

These two paragraphs touched me deeply. These are words of profound understanding. A recognition that even though we were forced to face some terrible truths, ripped out of our fairy tale innocence of who we were and who our spouses were and what we thought our marriage was, not all lost. That within the tragedy of betrayal there also is a gift that upon the 1st unwrapping feels cruel.

For me, the newly unwrapped gift that took years to fully unpack, exposed an obscure, painful gift. A change of view, though not painless, still a welcomed offering. The power of actuality verses naïveté. It is from this new reality I and my wife can grow all aspects of our personal and collective humanity. Expand our empathy not only for ourselves, but for others as well. The arrogance of the perfect marriage we the thought we had has been replaced with one of humility. That might be the greatest gift of all.

House of Plane, thank you, I have and will continue to ponder your comment for many hours.

[This message edited by Asterisk at 1:32 PM, Saturday, July 12th]

I read this once and it pops into my mind from time to time:

"To forgive is to assume a larger identity than the person who was first hurt," - David Whyte

"To forgive is to assume a larger identity than the person who was first hurt," - David Whyte

Thank you Straightup this is a great quote that gives harbor from the storm.

As to this unknown issue/issues, when I look inward there’s simply an endless, silent void that hurts like heck.

Brother, that's one troubling comment. What do you think thid void should be filled with? What's missing?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 3:54 PM, Saturday, July 12th]

Because you are a human being, you’re going to have to deal with grief. In two places in the United States people are still recovering and trying to fix families that will never be the same. The mountains of North Carolina and Tennessee are still trying to put things back together, and the folks in Texas are at the beginning. Grieg visits us all. What’s so painful to you is that someone you loved and trusted did something to you that is still haunting you over 30 years later. I’m sure your question is why can’t I get past this? What you want to do, what everyone does here, is put it in perspective. Is your loved one able to understand the pain that inflicted on you? Are they sorry that they did it and show it in every day actions? If you are still trying to get her to say what you need her to say, and she refuses to do it how are you going to heal? If, on the other hand, she has worked diligently to fix what she broke then you hanging onto this means you need some deep diving to find out why.

There are things we don’t take into consideration about ourselves and our lives, but they are so important that to ignore them keeps us from getting to the truth. What was your childhood like? What was hers? If you were a beloved child, and brought up with a good sense of self-worth then you’ve got it ahead of a many people on this earth. If, on the other hand, yourvchildhood was chaotic and toxic your coping skills are still not healthy. The same goes for your wife.

I use this simple analogy a lot here because I think it helps explain why you are still paying emotionally. Imagine there was a gun in your wife’s hands just playing around with it. She just jokingly aimed at you and pull the trigger. There you are in the hospital with a very serious injury, which is going to take much to recover from and will cause you some pain for the rest of your life. She might be very sorry that she did this damage to you, but she’s the one that did it. It never occurred to her that you were going to be injured. She was busy entertaining herself instead of of using her common sense. It does not matter why your wife cheated what does matter now is how she can help you heal. At this point I think it’s time for you to to have therapy together. You as an individual, need your own therapy. You can have both and I think you need both but something is keeping you unhappy and after over 30 years that’s not fair.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:06 PM, Saturday, July 12th]

Unhinged,
I want to thank you for the follow-up question. It is a fair thing for me to consider, and I have and will continue to do so. You asked what I thought the void should be filled with. Interesting question. I’m not sure that it is possible. Not as if in a failure to accomplish the task but more like there is no possible way to do it. Now that does cause me pause for maybe the question is why do I choose, after so many years, to still worm up to the edge and peek down? What am I looking for? Which, I guess, leads me to your 2nd question, what’s missing? My new friend, that is the question of the hour, and you nailed it. My answer is I don’t know and I’m sure that I never will and I just can’t make peace with that knowledge. So, to the edge I crawl.

Cooley2here
You have given me a lot to think about. Most of it isn’t new but it is important to revisit from time to time.

"Why can’t I get past this"
I’m not confident anyone fully gets past it. The best one can hope for is to learn to accept it, learn from it, learn to find a way to make a terrible situation into a benefit. But "fully" get over it. I just don’t see it as an option.

"Is your loved one able to understand the pain that (she) inflicted on you?"
Honestly, yes. Though she was shocked at the depth of loss I acquired. So was I.

"Are they sorry, that they did it and show it in everyday actions?"
Yes she does, and she takes full responsibility for it. An yes, she does show it in her everyday actions. And I'll add, I do as well. The caveat to this though, is that she is, by nature, an introvert and keeps her thoughts close to the vest. She works things out quietly in her mind. And she’s a wonderful, caring person so typically she comes to good, healthy, moral conclusions. That is good, but it leaves me feeling uneasy because what is she pondering now, and where do I fit in. There is so much more to this but that’s for another time.

"If you are still trying to get her to say what you need her to say, and she refuses to do it how are you going to heal?"
I touched on that in the above answer. What I am confident about is I need to be allowed into her silent processing so I might add my thoughts for her consideration plus I won’t be blindsided as I was before. It is her way and she has every right to approach things they way she finds safe. That said, post her hidden affair, it leaves me off-balance. Really, that is my issue to resolve not hers. Our relationship is far into the healing process I just have these few blind spots. My hope is people like yourself will help shed some light.

"If, on the other hand, she has worked diligently to fix what she broke then you hanging onto the means you need some deep diving to find out why?" Bingo

As to childhood family of origin issues, there are some that clearly played into things. My dad and mom were deeply in love and I never doubted their love for me. I had a strong model to aspire to and was under the illusion that that was just how married people were. I was so naive. My wife on the other hand came from a family where the mom and dad did not speak to each other. They were not mean or outwardly hostile and they both loved their 4 children but clearly something happened that my wife can’t or won’t articulate. I’ll add that my wife has three siblings and all three of them had affairs. Uggg. My wife has, in the past, expressed that what she saw in my parents is one of things that drew her to me. Dang, I thought it was my great looks.